Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Blah Blah Blah

Have you ever had one of those I just don't want to do a damn thing days?... That is me to a tee today..

I have been restless for the last few days.. I don't know what I am doing.. what I want to do.. or why I even bother to think about wanting to do things in the first place.. I feel like a compass without that is outta whack.. I just keep spinning and spinning with no particular destination in mind..

This isn't about Ron.. he is wonderful.. this isn't about the kids.. for the most part they are wonderful.. this is about me..

I am having a lot of coping issues with not being able to work.. I have worked all of my life.. since I was 13 yrs old.. I don't know how to not work.. I don't know how to not make "my own money" I don't know how to depend on someone else to pay the bills, buy the groceries, buy my kids things, or any other financial need.. and I have a lot of trouble with asking Ron for money.. well not asking exactly but telling him I need money.. especially if it is something strictly for me..

I know it seems silly.. we are married.. we are two halves of a whole.. we share everything including money.. it is just hard for me because I have never been in a position in my life where I couldn't do it all on my own.. not that Ron isn't a wonderful provider.. he is.. I just don't feel like I contribute much.. if anything other than taking care of the kids and the house..

We are not destitute.. we however could use the money that I could be making if I could go back to work.. who couldn't.. It would take some of the worry wrinkles out of my honey's forehead if he didn't have to carry the full load.. (he carries it well and willingly) he never complains about my inability to return to work..he never makes me feel like I am a burden to him..

Most men would have run kicking and screaming from the thought of marrying a woman with 4 children in the first place but not my Ron.. he took on the responsibilities of them when he took on the challenge of being in my life.. and never has he uttered one word of complaint or woe about doing so.. he is a champion among men..

My thing is.. I worry.. I worry about everything.. I may have mentioned this a time or two in other posts..(now I am worried about being repetitive)..anyway.. I hate not being able to depend on me to provide for myself and my children.. I hate not being able to contribute financially to the well being of my family.. I hate not having my "own" money.. it just makes me crazy..

Last night I paced the house a million times.. I usually pace when I am highly pissed off.. but I also do it when I feel useless and aimless.. I don't know what to do with myself.. anyone got any good ideas what a person can do with little or no use of their right hand.. to make a buck or two?

Ok.. I think I am finished venting.. bear with me .. these things don't usually last more than a week..and then I will be back to my usual smartassed, sassy self...

Until then.. y'all have fun

1 comment:

Ron Simpson said...

bur·den : noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Old English byrthen; akin to Old English beran to carry -- more at BEAR
1 a : something that is carried : LOAD b : DUTY, RESPONSIBILITY
2 : something oppressive or worrisome
3 a : the bearing of a load -- usually used in the phrase beast of burden b : capacity for carrying cargo (a ship of a hundred tons burden)
4 : the amount of a deleterious parasite, growth, or substance present in a human or animal body (worm burden) (cancer burden)

Of all the names I have for you, this is not even close to one of them. With the exception of the first (something that is carried), none come even close.

Carrying you, as I have done in the past and willing stand to do so in the future, has always been one of my sweetest loads. If I could, I would do more. However, I know the strain on your psyche to be where you are right now, especially by no action of your own (another one of your quirks - control). I know your frustration of not having the choice to go to work because of the injury and subsequent lawsuit.
In time, this will pass. All will be well and we will still be standing together. We will look back on this time in our lives as days we grew stronger. We will see them as times we cemented our bond even more.
Until then, I will carry that part of you, that you allow, with joy for being able to do so.

Oh yeah, while we are in the future looking back .. look closely .. see those times where you carried me .. just like we promised .. 18 months and a day ago.

I love you more than I did yesterday and less than I will tomorrow.