Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Just a Minute

I haven't disappeared again... there are just too many things going on around here for me to have much time to blog.. that and the fact that my wonderful hubby is a puter hog.. I don't get the chance to blog in the daytime because I have too much to do.. too many places to go.. too many people that need me to do this or that or the other thing.. and then in the evenings I am either reading.. ok.. usually reading... or watching what little bit of tv I watch.. and Ron.. well the sweet man that he is.. is almost always on the computer.. so.. just a minute of time to tell y'all I haven't disappeared.. just don't have time to blog.. I'll catch up later..

Oh yeah.. Russ.. was great to see ya over the weekend..

Y'all have fun

Friday, July 22, 2005

Pretty Good Week

It has actually been a good week.. no major drama.. no kidtastrophies...the house is mostly clean.. and I got to go to work with Ron 2 days this week.. that is always a good thing..

I am thinking about going upstairs and getting started on cleaning the apt that the kids moved out of.. notice I said thinking about it.. I am not looking forward to the job.. I asked Chelsea how bad it was up there.. her first answer was .. it ain't good.. Then I asked how bad it was according to my standards of clean.. her answer was.. Horrible.. this does not sound like a good thing..

I know it needs to be done.. but I have sorta overdone myself this week cleaning my own house... moving boxes.. cleaning out laundry rooms and closets.. my body is telling me that there will be serious rebellion if I attempt to make it do something else it shouldn't be doing.. OK sometimes I forget that I am not 20 anymore... geesh..I still think that I am super woman.. I can do everything and anything.. and not have to pay for it.. What? you mean it doesn't work that way?..

As for now.. I think I will go get a carton of cigarettes.. come back home ( hide them) and lay down for a bit.. yeah I hear you calling apartment upstairs.. you just hush and let this lil ole' lady rest for a spell.. I'll get to ya sooner or later..

y'all have fun..

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Good Morning

Wow my day has started out well..( no Russ I won't go into details).. Let's just suffice it to say I really wanted to keep Ron home from work today..

I have a lot to do today.. bills to be paid, laundry to be done, a clutter closet to be cleaned out, a thank you dinner to cook for Steve, things like that.. hmmm I'm thinking I sound a lot like me again.. this is a good thing...

Right now... I am thinking about going back to bed.. kids are outta school.. Ron is at work ( dangit).. dog is snoring.. hmmm sounds like a good time to go lay down for a bit.. the things I need to do will get done today.. but first.. sleep.. I haven't been getting much of that lately.. I have had insomnia for most of my life.. it decided to rear its ugly head over the weekend.. I slept well the last two nights but I am thinking my poor lil body wants more.. or maybe someone just tired me out this morning.. either way.. I'm outta here for a bit..

Y'all have fun

Monday, July 18, 2005

Still Alive and Kickin

I'm Baaack.. Scary thought ain't it.. I haven't blogged in forever.. don't know that I really have anything to blog about..

Life is pretty much back to normal.. I still hurt thinking bout the baby.. I guess that will be a long time in healing.. there are times that it doesn't hurt.. and then all of a sudden.. BAM.. i see diapers.. or a baby on tv.. and the tears start.. I know Sierra has to be hurting even more.. she is handling it well tho.. I am proud of her.. Her, Jordan and Chris are all working now.. that is a good thing.. they are moving tomorrow.. I am gonna hate it that she will not be close to home.. but where they are moving is right down the street.. but still she is my daughter.. i know i have to let her live this life she has chosen but you never stop being a mom.. I think she understands this better now too..

Ron is back at work.. after having him home so much.. this is not good.. I have the major missin my honey blues.. I keep looking for him around the house and he ain't here.. that sux right out loud.. It is never good when he ain't here.. but I know that he loves his job.. and that is a good thing..

Speaking of jobs.. I have an offer.. It is driving a school bus in Nicholasville.. (those poor kids)... I have to go get my physical and then go for my CDL permit.. neither of those things scare me.. what scares me is what happened a few months ago.. I went to pick up Ian and almost dropped him because my wrist went out on me.. I am terrified of trying to turn the wheel of such a big vehicle and it going out.. it would kill me to injure a child even through something i have no control of.. but most of the time i do ok driving , especially if i have a brace on my wrist..

Well Ron should be home pretty soon.. and I need to get dinner started.. Y'all have fun.. and I promise I won't stay away so long again..

Saturday, July 02, 2005

Catching Up

I talked to Russ this morning.. he commented that I hadn't blogged in a bit.. I told him that if I start writing all that is carefully controlled within me will come pouring out.. he said maybe that isn't a bad thing.. I think he is right.. so here goes.. I am making no promises that any of this will make sense to anyone other than me and Ron.. so be warned..

I don't really know where to begin ... there are so many things jumbled up in what passes for my mind right now and they are all trying to gain the forefront of my conscience enough to be the first and foremost thought that I simply don't know what or how to start..

David Gabriel is on my mind a lot.. there are questions that I need to ask the hospital and medical staff.. answers that I need.. I am not looking to blame anyone and I don't believe that the care Sierra received was in anyway negligent. There are just things that I need to know.. That is part of who I am.. I always seek answers to things that bother me.. I can't just accept things at face value and call it good enough.. I have to be able to live with the answers I have and I am not able to do that yet with this.. I need to sit down and discuss it with the medical professionals and reach understanding that way..

Sierra is on my mind in so many ways.. She is healing .. that is a good thing.. but part of me wonders if she is doing that well or if, Like her mother is she hiding the majority of the hurt and the sadness.. It seems like I have an aura of sadness around me.. Maybe not on the outside but it is there just under the surface and can be brought out by the simplest of things.. a kind word.. a gesture... a picture.. It is just always there.. I hope that Sierra is not going through the same thing.. she has always been somewhat closed off to other people so with her it is a matter of waiting until she comes to me..

I am also worried about the fact that neither her nor Jordan seem to want to do a thing about finding jobs, paying bills, cleaning house, in short about taking care of the things they need to take care of.. this was going on prior to David's death so I don't believe these things are related.. They still go out all hours of the night and day .. they still hang out with friends.. so I don't think that his loss is what caused this "don't give a damn" attitude about real life..

I am worried about Chris.. He and I have called a truce of sorts.. we are formally polite to each other.. but I know that he has not changed who he is.. his kindness and understanding doesn't do a thing to ease the thoughts in my head that he is not to be trusted.. I have always been the type that sees the good in people long after they have proven that the good in them is not what I should be seeing.. I am trying hard to not do that with Chris.. but it is damned hard when it is the child that you carried in your body and have basically grown up with.. I was only 17 when I had him.. he is my heart.. and always will be.. I just can't afford to let him back in too much.. he has hurt me too many times before and I am afraid that another hurt from him may do irreparable damage..

Kyle is home... that in itself is a good thing.. I love having my kids around.. I am worried about what Ronnie is doing to his relationship with his kids.. by giving in to kyle and bringing him home early he is not parenting as much as he is pacifying.. that bothers me.. and at the same time.. I don't like the fact that Kyle has most likely hurt Ronnie more than he will let on.. I know that Ronnie's relationship with our children is up to him and them..and that they will have to work it out.. I just don't like the rifts that I am beginning to see between them and their dad.. he is not nor has he ever been emotionally stable.. As much as I should be able to harden my heart against him.. he is my past.. he is the only life I knew for a very long time.. and I just don't want him to hurt or feel that his children don't want to be with him.. I wouldn't wish that on anyone..

Ron said something in a comment to another blogger about he and I.. he called me the love of his life.. and also added that it did not diminish the other loves in his life or the 20 year marriage that he had with his first wife for me to be the Love of his life.. he is right.. Ron is the Love of my life.. he is everything that love should be.. he is part of my soul.. and I truly believe that he always has been.. that does not make less the life that I had before.. it just makes richer and fuller the life I have with him.. There is a line in a Stephen King book ( of all things) that said.. " later love is made sweeter by the experiences that came before".. I just love that line.. it talks about a couple that had marriages and loves earlier in life and while they treasured what they had.. the love they share is sweeter still because of who they are together.. I like it..

Then there is the Russ leaving thing.. I will miss him more than he knows.. not that I called him often.. or that we got to get together just to talk as often as we would like.. it is just that having him 182 miles away is gonna be a lot harder than having him 15 mins away.. if that makes any sense.. I wish him all the best.. and much happiness.. he deserves it.. he is a great guy... and could be that I know a great girl that is getting to see that.. that is a good thing.. and Russ.. we do have a sleeper sofa.. you know where to find it..

Whew.. looks like I was right.. when I start writing .. everything just comes out.. I have always been that way.. Thanks Russ .. you were right.. it is better to get it out..

Y'all have fun..