Catching Up

I talked to Russ this morning.. he commented that I hadn't blogged in a bit.. I told him that if I start writing all that is carefully controlled within me will come pouring out.. he said maybe that isn't a bad thing.. I think he is right.. so here goes.. I am making no promises that any of this will make sense to anyone other than me and Ron.. so be warned..

I don't really know where to begin ... there are so many things jumbled up in what passes for my mind right now and they are all trying to gain the forefront of my conscience enough to be the first and foremost thought that I simply don't know what or how to start..

David Gabriel is on my mind a lot.. there are questions that I need to ask the hospital and medical staff.. answers that I need.. I am not looking to blame anyone and I don't believe that the care Sierra received was in anyway negligent. There are just things that I need to know.. That is part of who I am.. I always seek answers to things that bother me.. I can't just accept things at face value and call it good enough.. I have to be able to live with the answers I have and I am not able to do that yet with this.. I need to sit down and discuss it with the medical professionals and reach understanding that way..

Sierra is on my mind in so many ways.. She is healing .. that is a good thing.. but part of me wonders if she is doing that well or if, Like her mother is she hiding the majority of the hurt and the sadness.. It seems like I have an aura of sadness around me.. Maybe not on the outside but it is there just under the surface and can be brought out by the simplest of things.. a kind word.. a gesture... a picture.. It is just always there.. I hope that Sierra is not going through the same thing.. she has always been somewhat closed off to other people so with her it is a matter of waiting until she comes to me..

I am also worried about the fact that neither her nor Jordan seem to want to do a thing about finding jobs, paying bills, cleaning house, in short about taking care of the things they need to take care of.. this was going on prior to David's death so I don't believe these things are related.. They still go out all hours of the night and day .. they still hang out with friends.. so I don't think that his loss is what caused this "don't give a damn" attitude about real life..

I am worried about Chris.. He and I have called a truce of sorts.. we are formally polite to each other.. but I know that he has not changed who he is.. his kindness and understanding doesn't do a thing to ease the thoughts in my head that he is not to be trusted.. I have always been the type that sees the good in people long after they have proven that the good in them is not what I should be seeing.. I am trying hard to not do that with Chris.. but it is damned hard when it is the child that you carried in your body and have basically grown up with.. I was only 17 when I had him.. he is my heart.. and always will be.. I just can't afford to let him back in too much.. he has hurt me too many times before and I am afraid that another hurt from him may do irreparable damage..

Kyle is home... that in itself is a good thing.. I love having my kids around.. I am worried about what Ronnie is doing to his relationship with his kids.. by giving in to kyle and bringing him home early he is not parenting as much as he is pacifying.. that bothers me.. and at the same time.. I don't like the fact that Kyle has most likely hurt Ronnie more than he will let on.. I know that Ronnie's relationship with our children is up to him and them..and that they will have to work it out.. I just don't like the rifts that I am beginning to see between them and their dad.. he is not nor has he ever been emotionally stable.. As much as I should be able to harden my heart against him.. he is my past.. he is the only life I knew for a very long time.. and I just don't want him to hurt or feel that his children don't want to be with him.. I wouldn't wish that on anyone..

Ron said something in a comment to another blogger about he and I.. he called me the love of his life.. and also added that it did not diminish the other loves in his life or the 20 year marriage that he had with his first wife for me to be the Love of his life.. he is right.. Ron is the Love of my life.. he is everything that love should be.. he is part of my soul.. and I truly believe that he always has been.. that does not make less the life that I had before.. it just makes richer and fuller the life I have with him.. There is a line in a Stephen King book ( of all things) that said.. " later love is made sweeter by the experiences that came before".. I just love that line.. it talks about a couple that had marriages and loves earlier in life and while they treasured what they had.. the love they share is sweeter still because of who they are together.. I like it..

Then there is the Russ leaving thing.. I will miss him more than he knows.. not that I called him often.. or that we got to get together just to talk as often as we would like.. it is just that having him 182 miles away is gonna be a lot harder than having him 15 mins away.. if that makes any sense.. I wish him all the best.. and much happiness.. he deserves it.. he is a great guy... and could be that I know a great girl that is getting to see that.. that is a good thing.. and Russ.. we do have a sleeper sofa.. you know where to find it..

Whew.. looks like I was right.. when I start writing .. everything just comes out.. I have always been that way.. Thanks Russ .. you were right.. it is better to get it out..

Y'all have fun..