Sunday, June 26, 2005

Trying to Move On

It has been 3 days since we laid David Gabriel to rest.. I know now that this pain is not something I am going to be able to get over.. It is something I am going to have to learn to live with.. I can do that..

Sierra is physically well.. she is getting stronger by the day.. I didn't realize just how weak her poor little body had become during her pregnancy.. Jordan is taking good care of her physically and emotionally.. He and I have not always seen eye to eye.. in fact we usually don't , but we both love Sierra and want the best for her..seeing him with her, how can I not be proud of him.. He has been a rock for her through this all.. Thank you Jordan... I know that he will need a rock of his own when he needs to feel all of his grief.. perhaps his love will have strengthened her enough to be that for him.. just my theory..

Ron has been wonderful for me.. I know he is hurting too.. he is very good at trying to conceal his pain from me.. what he doesn't know is those incredible blue eyes are like crystal balls to me.. I can see what is inside of him.. what he is feeling.. I have been able to almost from the beginning of our relationship...

He knows more about me than anyone ever has.. he knows that under all my toughness there is a fragility that I cannot explain or admit is there.. that is where his strength carries me through.. he also knows.. that when he needs me.. when he needs to deal with his own pain, I can be just as strong as he needs me to be while still being his soft place to fall..

There is a sense of things getting back to normal around here.. there is still cleaning to be done.. there are meals to be cooked ... chelsea to take care of.. dogs to walk.. all of these things, while they cannot heal my heart or the hearts of any of us, can help us restore a sense of balance that while our hearts are broken.. Life carries on...

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

David Gabriel

My Grandson is not here.. I cannot hold him anymore.. His tiny body just couldn't survive just yet..He is in my heart forever he has his own place there.. No one will ever take the place he holds..He was beautiful and perfect in every way .. Holding him yesterday I felt the overwhelming knowledge that he is in his home in heaven and knows how much he is loved here..

Writing is how I deal with things.. and although the simple words cannot express my grief it is all I have to give..

Lil "G"

We didn't get the chance to know you
We cannot watch you grow
You will never speak our names
Or learn to ride a bike or throw..

Your voice sings on in heaven
If we listen we can hear
Although we cannot see you
We know that you are near..

From the moment we knew you were on your way
Our hearts filled with love
We cannot hold you in our arms
We know you see us from up above..

Good bye for now

David Gabriel McArter

June 21,2005 - June 21, 2005

Friday, June 17, 2005

Spoiling Me

I am getting spoiled.. It has been so long since I have had my honey home during the week.. and after being away from him for a week him having 2 days off feels like a honeymoon.. I don't know if I am going to be able to send him back to work Monday.. I told him I am gonna call his principal and tell him that I ain't ready to give him back yet.. It is only for a week but still Imma gonna miss him..

The last 2 days have been pretty good.. Sierra and I have talked .. we seem to still be at an impass but at least there is no hostility.. she and I will have to learn to redefine our roles in relation to each other as adults and as mother and daughter.. especially since she is going to be a mother herself soon.. It is hard to let go.. It is hard to not try to fix things for her. I am getting better at it.. well at least getting better about holding my tongue.. no matter how badly I want to say something.. I think by the time I can come to grips with our new relationship I will need stiches in my tongue..

Chris is another and more painful subject that I just am not ready to talk about yet.. sorry y'all.. Just do me a favor.. those of you that pray.. say one for me and for my son.. thanks..

Well time to get off here and cuddle on the couch to watch a scary movie.. Y'all have fun..

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Life as Usual

Things have returned to almost normal around here.. I have a house to clean.. dogs to take care of.. (anyone want a dog).. Kids to run here and there.. Mom to look after.. and most of all my Honey to take care of..

There have been changes.. I now have grammy to care for as well.. I also do not have to spend all of my time taking care of Sierra and Jordan.. They let me know in no uncertain terms they want to be grown, make their own mistakes, do what they wanna do.. so I am going to back off and let them..(fall on their faces).. ohh I mean make it on their own.. It isn't that I don't care anymore.. I do.. It isn't that I am being mean.. I ain't.. I just can't keep helping and helping and then getting cussed and yelled at when things don't go in their favor.. let them learn on their own..

Back to my life.. I need to get outta here .. I have an appt with the nursing home to get everything taken care of for Grammy.. Y'all have fun..

Made It Back.. Barely

Well the trip from hell is over.. I am finally home.. I would say that this was one of the worst trips to FL ever in recorded history.. but I would most likely find out that it is not one of the worst but the worst... There are things that happened on that trip that I will not go into detail about here.. sorry guys but somethings just hurt too much to share.. Just suffice it to say that from my children's behavior.. I am learning what "tough love" is all about..

There were good things about the trip.. I got to know Chelsea's bf J a lot better.. turns out he is a really good kid.. I like him.. My dad liked him.. there are only 2 people I can remember my dad taking to so quickly in my entire lifetime.. one is Ron.. the other is J.. I thought that was pretty cool..

We did get in some beach time.. but frankly it was too damn hot to go to the beach.. so we left there and went to Glenna's.. thank you for your hospitality girl in the midst of your own exhaustion.. Love ya..

Mauritha ( my best friend of 15 yrs) gave us passes to Kennedy Space Center.. Chelsea and I of course have been there many times.. but J hadn't ever been .. it was pretty interesting to see it through the eyes of someone that didnt grow up around the space center.. gave me a fresh perspective on it.. I even learned a few things I didn't know about the Center and space exploration.. thanks J..

We got home Saturday morning around 8:30am after driving all night.. I was exhausted.. bringing my grandmother home was a lot more trying than I had anticipated.. and she was exhausted as well.. she was having some problems keeping anything on her stomach when we got here.. I thought I would let her rest for a bit and see how she did.. I laid down for a little while.. then got back up and went with Ron and Russ to the Cingular store.. where I promptly fell asleep in the parking lot.. ( good to see ya Russ).. anywho.. after lunch..( thanks Russ) Ron brought me home and I slept for another couple hours.. when I got up Grammy was still asleep..and Chris, Chasity, and Ian were here.. was great to see them.. even if it was through travel weary eyes..

Grammy woke up a little while later and asked for some water.. I gave her a few sips .. she couldn't keep that down.. so Ron and I decided rather than risk dehydration of a 91 yr old woman we should get her to the hospital.. we called an ambulance and they took her .. We met my uncle at the hospital.. Once Grammy was admitted we grabbed a bite to eat and came home for me to get some rest..

For some reason my sanity completely left me and I decided to clean house when we got home.. I put away clothes.. I cleaned out the van.. I did laundry.. I don't know where or how I had the energy to do any of it.. but I finally ran out of gas around 11:30 and then proceeded to sleep almost 12 hrs.. I felt better then.. I am still tired.. I need another 12 hrs sleep.. I don't know if it is all physical or emotional exhaustion that has got me .. I think it is a bit of both..

The best part of coming home.. Ron is here.. he is my rock.. my angel.. I was so happy to see him when he opened the door .. all I could do for a few minutes was just stand there clinging to him.. I couldn't move.. I couldn't think.. It just felt so good to be able to stand there in his arms and let go of all that had happened for just a few minutes.. I think more than anything .. he gave me the strength to go on with the rest of the day.. I love you honey..

Well looks like I have written a novella here so I think I will quit for a bit.. I have a regular ordinary Tammy day scheduled for today.. I am so looking forward to my regular chaos.. I will never again be too annoyed with my life for being chaotic.. I found out.. it can get a whole lot worse...

Y'all have fun..

Friday, June 03, 2005

It's A BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It has been a great day... first things first tho.. I am getting a grandson.. we found out this afternoon that Sierra and Jordan's baby is a big healthy boy.. I have said all along that it was gonna be a boy.. but to be proven right.. well lets just say grandma is doing the happy dance.. I would have been happy either way.. just the healthy part made me happy.. but it is nice to know so I will know what to buy to spoil this youngin rotten.. We also found out this is not a shy little boy.. he was laying in there with his little legs spread as if to say.. "Hi this is my penis".. definately not modest.. but that is ok.. none of us are overly modest around here either..

The first bit of good news came around 9:30 this morning.. my phone rang and it was someone looking for Jordan to inform him he had won a contest for a year's supply of free gas at the local gas station down the street.. this is a good thing and will be a benefit to them..

The second bit of good news was a call about my grandmother.. they have finally gotten her retirement benefits straightened out and will be mailed to her here.. this has been an ongoing battle for over a year now.. good to have it fixed..

The third good thing today was the lunch.. we had a good turnout .. it is always good to see friends.. thanks Gary,Mandy, Cynthia, Jim, Brandon, Todd and Betty.. was great to see you all..

Then the baby news.. it has been a great day so far...the only thing that could have made this day better would have been to have had Ron home with me.. but he will be home in a few hours..then the greatness of this day will be complete.. well time to go...

Y'all have fun..

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

At Work With Ron..

I decided to come to work with Ron today.. He has classes on Thurs and Fri. so I wouldn't be able to be here with him on those days... and I have things left to do to prepare for the trip on Monday... so I thought today would be a great time to get some extra time with my honey..

He made me cry today... Not in a bad way.. He posted one of his poems on his blog.. "Passion's Masterpiece" I remember the beginning of that poem... Where it came from.. I won't go into details..( you are welcome Russ) but suffice it to say this poem started after a wonderfully passionate and romantic time between us.. It took him a while to finish it.. The funny part was that when he did finish it.. he didn't add much to it.. I thought it was perfect the way that it originally was so he left it that way with the minor exception of the last line..I love his poetry.. and I would be lying if I said that I don't love the ones he has written about or for me just a bit more.. there is just something even more wonderful about him using his enormous talent to tell me again just how much he loves me... Not that he needs to tell me .. He shows me every day..

I don't have the gift that Ron has... So I will just leave it at this..

Poet of My Heart.. I am going to miss you.. I always feel you beside me.. around me.. as much a part of me as the air I breathe.. that will make it bearable until I can be in your arms again..