Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Will this year never end?

I don't even know where to start.. I don't even know what all I am feeling right now.. Those of you who read Ron's blog know that on Sunday November 25 my ex hubby killed himself.. The aftermath of that has been an incredibly horrible nightmare that I wish I could wake from..

Tuesday morning we left for FL.. It was a hard trip in itself.. the car that Sierra, Nick and Cloe were driving got overheated and we had to do some minor repairs to it and some major praying over it.. it finally made it to our destination..

When we got there we tried to find out from the family just exactly where the service was being held.. no one seemed to know.. that sounded a bit fishy to me that they wouldn't know where his service was.. Sierra got on the phone and called all of the funeral homes to see what she could find out.. she finally found the right one..

We were at first told that I was not welcome at the service.. It seems as how most of the family is blaming me for Ronnie's death. Sierra called Linda ( ronnie's wife) she said she didn't think it was a good idea for me to come but she wouldn't oppose me coming in and paying my respects and then leaving.. Wednesday morning there were phone calls from the family threatening me to stay away.. my kids wanted and needed their mother to be there with them, I called the police and arranged for an officer to be there to make sure everything went ok.. that didn't work .. when we got to the funeral home Chella and Sierra got out of the cars and went into the funeral home to say goodbye, Kyle didn't want to go without me.. as soon as the family saw the children they started screaming obsenities and threats at me.. they started to charge towards the car.. the police arrived about that time and kept them by the funeral home.. I had stayed by the truck the whole time I never even got close to going to the funeral home.. The family continued to rant and rave and make threats even going as far as knocking Ronnie's stepmom down inside the funeral home and throwing punches.. all the while screaming vile and obscene lies at my children.. it was the most disgusting, disrespectful spectacle I have ever witness and I hope to never see anything like that again..

After the service we were escorted by the police to the city limits to keep the family from following us.. We went back to our hotel for some much needed time to grieve and regroup... I went with my best friend Mauritha to get some food and brought it back to the hotel, we ate and talked.. Mauritha had to go to work, the kids and I went to the beach.. I had promised Ronnie a long time ago I would sing a song for him at his funeral.. since they wouldn't let me go to the service I went to his favorite spot on the beach and sang for him there with my kids around me.. I think he would have liked that.. We went back to the hotel.. Ron told me on the way back that he had heard someone at the pool with the same name as Ronnie's nephew.. I told him.. lots of people have that name.. when we got back to the hotel, the kids asked if they could go play pool.. we told them yes.. as they were walking around they ran into Ronnie's brother , his wife and some other family members. The kids came back to the room and told us who they had seen, we packed up and left.. we just didn't want to deal with anymore drama.. we drove as far as Brunswick GA. got a room and fell asleep.. We got up the next morning and drove on home.

We have been trying to pick up the pieces of our lives and our kids lives and get back into some sort of routine.. the kids went back to school today.. hopefully concentrating on that will help to take their minds off everything else.. we are still getting threats from Ronnie's family and are taking the necessary steps to protect ourselves.. Ron and I are going to hold on to each other and our children for the duration.. we will come out all that much stronger as a family.. our faith in God and each other will help us through this as well as the support and love of our many friends and family.. Just keep us in your prayers..

y'all take care..

Friday, November 02, 2007

Broken Promise

I know, I know.... I promised not to get so lax in posting and then I went and did it again.. In my defense I have been having medical issues with my hands and have not been able to type much.. the arthritis isn't getting any better.. but so goes life..

Cloe the latest love of my life is a complete joy to have around she is getting so big.. It is amazing to see the way she is developing into this tiny little person. She has a wonderful personality. She rarely cries, smiles all the time and charms everyone she comes in contact with.. I have discovered though after 4 months of babysitting an infant I am a bit older than I thought I was.. I love having her here.. I love taking care of her and seeing those beautiful smiles.. and I love when mom and dad pick her up at the end of the day and take her home.. give an old lady a break ya know.. I guess it was just as hard when my own children were little but I had 3 of them at 22 and 4 by 27 that I figured wandering around with spitup stained clothes, no makeup, hair in a perpetual ponytail, and never sleeping was just normal..

Chelsea has been having a rough time lately she went through a very harrowing and personal experience and is now dealing with the reality and aftermath of what happened we are taking it day by day and she is getting counselling.. I am not one of those parents that think I can provide everything she needs and I know when to step away from a situation that is too close to home and get professional advice and counselling when needed.. I hate it when parents don't realize that children sometimes can't talk to the people they love most about things that have hurt them the most and take it personally when the kid doesn't talk to them.. she needs my love, she needs my support, and she needs my wisdom to know there are things that I won't be well equipped to handle alone and will find her someone who is..

I lost my grandmother on Halloween.. she was 94 yrs old she lived a very long life.. I know that the first 70 yrs of it was relatively happy and secure for her.. then after that with the alzheimers she was still happy most of the time but just didn't know what happiness meant anymore.. I am very grateful to have had her in my life for this long she was a wonderful, sweet, simply classy lady.. I will miss just knowing she was there... I love you Grammy.

Ron's book will be out soon.. I am sooooo excited and soooo proud of my honey.. I told him I have always been proud to be with him.. to be his wife.. to be a part of his family.. but I am proud of him for this too.. It takes talent to write, a gift of words and a whole lot of guts to put that out there for everyone to see.. I respect that.. reading the book for me is somewhat theraputic reminding me of what was then and what we learned to get to where we are now... and I love the idea of knowing that Ron loves me so much that he left this legacy of my mother for not only our family but to anyone that is struggling with an alzheimers patient and may need to just know there are others out there that have been there and come out the other side.. Mom has moved into the 3rd stage of this disease and most of the time doesn't really know me.. but that is ok.. I know her..

OH... I almost forgot.. Chelsea also started her first job today.. she said it was fun and she loved working.. I was thinking it is easy to love working when you don't have to... but I am still way happy for her and very proud of her. I also think that having the job will help her to not dwell on the other issues going on with her right now..

Kyle turned 12 last Thursday.. he had 2 parties and was the center of attention for several days.. which is always his favorite place to be.. It is amazing to me that he is that age.. he is so mature in several ways and very intelligent.. but sometimes I still see him as that little angel faced baby that spit mashed potatoes at me. ( he still doesn't like them) I know they all have to grow up but for some reason I had it in my head because he is the baby it wouldn't happen to him..

I am dealing with a pulled hamstring and torn muscle never again will I question why athletes have to take off from playing for so long with this injury that sucker HURTS!!.. I don't really know how I did it but somehow I did.. now all I want is to undo it and make the pain go away.. I am supposed to heat it 20mins every 2 hours and keep it elevated most of the day.. Yeah like that is gonna happen around here.. I have a baby to watch.. kids to cook for... a hubby to take care of.. and a house to clean.. not to mention all the other things people seem to find for me to do.. but I am trying to behave and not do too much.. I promise.. ok so I didn't keep my last promise in a post but I will this time... no really .. I will..

I guess I should post more often.. these marathon postings hurt my hands and Ron is already mostly nekkid and in the bed.. think I will go join him..

Y'all have fun..

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

2 months later

OMG... I just realized when I looked at this thing it has been over 2 months since I have posted anything.. and believe me that ain't for lack of things to post about. Cloe' my beautiful granddaughter being on the top of the list of things that have been going on around here. She is just a doll baby I keep telling Sierra that Cloe' is the 2nd prettiest baby I have ever seen, Kyle being the first she is a really really close 2nd place though. I am having a ball being a grandma, I get to watch her right now while mom and dad are at work , I have a lot of time on my hands right now..

Oh yeah my hands, that is another subject altogether, I went to the Dr. a couple weeks ago because my hands were hurting beyond belief he took me off work for a week, actually he said I could go back to work with no repetitive motions of my hands hmmmm wonder how I am supposed to type all day and not use my hands, my boss wondered the same thing and forced me to resign, with the option of returning when the hands are able, I am typing right now, the hands ain't liking it but I am doing it, anyway, I go back to the doctor again tomorrow this time a rheumatologist, needless to say they don't really know what is wrong with my hands , they think it is arthritis and perhaps a pinched nerve in my neck the only think they have determined for sure is I do have the tendonitis in my left wrist again and where I had the surgery on the right wrist the dr removed too much of the sheath over the tendon and now the tendon is rubbing the bone and I have a bone spur there so that is causing pain too.. but the left one is the one causing most of the trouble right now. oh well..

My friend Glenna had her beautiful baby recently, I got pics... wooo hoo .. Ella.. you are beautiful ..

I am hoping to get back to work soon. I promise to try and not be another 2 months between posts.. I miss my blog friends and getting my thoughts out of my head and sharing them with y'all..

Oh yeah.. I have a birthday coming up thursday.. 39 for the 1st time.. woo hoo..

Y'all have fun

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Still Kickin'

I don't really have much time to post before my eyes slam shut just thought I would let everyone that is interested .. all three of you that I am still alive.. I had my surgery on the 25th I guess it went ok surgery wise .. the pain afterwards was anything but ok.. and I wound up off work for a week but I am much better now.. I have my follow up appointment tomorrow and then hopefully I won't have to see my GYN for another year... that sounds like a good plan to me..

The job is going well .. I am still liking it so I guess that is a good thing for the old bank account at least.. the only thing I don't love about it is the time it takes to get there and get home again most of the time I am gone about 11 hrs a day so when I do get to drag my butt in the house all I really want to do is sit, lay down for about 10 hrs and not move.. but of course I can't do that I have to spend time with the kids and I don't want to neglect Ron either ya know.. but so goes life..

The kids are going to FL next tues that is really gonna suck I am so gonna miss them.. but, I go through this every year and every year I get over it.. at least this year I have a full time job to go to and I won't have to sit here alone at least..

Well that about covers everything around here.. gonna go check on the kiddos then gonna go my lil butt to bed.

Y'all have fun

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Slowing Down

Vehicularly speaking this hasn't exactly been a banner week.. not that anything terribly traumatic has happened this week but, it has been a curious driving week.. after the mess on Monday.. there was the incident today..

I was crusing along this morning talking to Ron in my ear and Sierra in the passenger seat.. keeping up with traffic on my normal morning run to work it was about 7:15am and I was about 2 miles from my exit..Then I saw him.. in his cute little white undercover car, sitting there on the inside barrier wall of the inside lane on the highway and I was in the far left lane closest to him.. then I look at my speedometer..87!!!!!! OMGosh brakessssssssssssss as I passed him I saw him turn on his lights.. I knew I was had.. I pulled over.. he approached my side of the car.. he said " I'll pulled you over for doing 85 in a 65" I said" yes, sir I didn't realize I was going that fast I was really just keeping up with traffic" he took my license, registration and insurance back to his car..when he came back he explained he was going to write the ticket for 80 instead of what he clocked me at to save me from getting 6points on my license and as he handed me the ticket he says " Do you think you can slow this big thing down a bit?" I was happy to say "yes sir!".. I drove away talking to Ron on my bluetooth and getting razzed by him about my first speeding ticket in 21yrs.. the ticket is only 30.00 but the court costs are 139.00 I have until June 13th to pay it or go to court and ask for an extention.. it will get paid.. it just seriously sucks to have finally gotten stopped for speeding again.. dang and my record was so good.. 21 yrs is a good run.. oh well so goes life.. On my way home this evening.. I didn't get a hair above 70mph.. so I guess I kept my word and slowed that big thing down a bit..

My day at work at least went well I started on receiving calls today..I was bored.. I told my boss I was gonna start on them even though no one had trained me how to do them.. he was like OK.. he knows if I tell him I can do something, I can do it.. I took a few calls and got several interviews from call ins.. that is a good thing to complete the interviews.. that is basically our goal in making the calls we make or taking the ones we take.. so I think I did OK for my first day out..

Sierra's car is now legal.. I took my lunch break to take care of it.. so now she is on the road alone.. I'm not sure that is a good thing for the other drivers, Just kidding she is a great driver.. I am glad she has that independance.. Well so much for sharing my day.. I am whooped I think I am gonna go make Ron's lunch and get into a hot tub and soak for a while..

Y'all have fun

Monday, April 30, 2007

The Week Begins

Just taking a few minutes to catch up while dinner is simmering in there...

The job is going well.. if I can get a full week in that is.. between the deaths going on, me getting sick, taking off early to get Sierra's car legal and my upcoming laser hysterectomy thing on Monday it seems like I am never going to get a full weeks work in.. good thing I am very good at my job and I like the calls that no one else wants to do.. My boss was seriously impressed that I like calling the doctors office and even more so that when I call I seem to get better results.. guess it is just my natural charm.. yeah right..

Sierra starts her regular hours at the same company on Wednesday, so I took off today to get the paper work done on her car to get it legal and wouldn't you know it the guy that has the paper work I need and was supposed to leave it for me today took it to work with him in his truck.. I called him and told him I was not amused.. he said I won't hurt him cause I love him.. I told him not that much.. but he will get it to me.. I can always take a little time off and go get it.. I doubt my boss would notice since I haven't been there that much anyway..

I bumped the concrete divider between me and another car this morning.. I may have bumped her car too.. I don't know for sure but whatever the case it turned out to be quite funny.. she kept telling me she was going to call the police.. I kept telling her to go ahead.. she was driving daddy's car and whining that daddy was going to be mad.. the problem was there is a gash in her bumper that even if I did bump her it wouldn't have caused that there are no pointy areas on the back bumper of a caddilac.. anywho.. she called the police.. they came out and said the same thing.. that there was no way my car did that to her car.. she wasn't happy about it.. I doubt daddy will be either.. the cop wrote the report "no damage to either vehicle".. and then wrote her a ticket for no proof of insurance.. didn't turn out well for her did it..

Well that is about it.. for now.. gotta go serve my sexy hubby some supper.. how are things in y'all's world?

Y'all have fun

Friday, April 13, 2007

Back To Work

OMGosh me posting twice in the same week.. wow.. feels like old times.. anywho.. I went back to work yesterday.. I love my job and my boss.. F.(my boss) was afraid that I had either forgotten everything that I had learned during my training from being off too long or was not ready to get back on the phones and make the calls at first so he put me with another girl to listen in on her calls for the day.. about 11am I was utterly bored to tears and asked her if she would like to goof off for the rest of the day and let me make the calls.. she readily agreed (imagine that) turns out the only thing I had forgotten was how to clock out at the end of the day.. the system we use is a bit unusual and I had only clocked in and out one day before the trip to Louisville and all that followed..F reminded me of how to do that today and all is well..This morning when I went in F decided to put me at my own cubicle and let me go.. problem is we are a bit overstaffed and didn't have an available cubicle for me.. I was homeless .. he finally found a place for me but not with our group.. I assured him that I am a big girl and if I needed him or any one's assistance I would find someone to ask..F. is a really sweet guy and he tries to go out of his way to make sure his employees are comfortable and happy in their environment that is a good thing.. but sometimes he worries too much.. I am fairly easy to get along with and don't need much to be comfortable once I know my job. What we do is process disability claims by calling employees, employers and doctors offices to verify information.. well no one seems to like the Dr. office calls..This afternoon F asked me if I would mind making that those calls for the rest of the day.. I told him that was all I had been doing and in fact I like those best.. you would have thought the man had won the lottery.. needless to say I got brownie points.. woo hoo go me!!

There is this one guy where I work that we have nicknamed "creepy" this is the kinda guy that you just know is gonna come to work in a trench coat and either start shooting up the place or flashing people.. neither of these things is anything I want to see.. I thought I had gotten rid of him.. about my 3rd day there he was outside talking as I was on the phone to a friend on my lunch break.. he kept interjecting himself into everything I was saying.. finally I got off the phone and asked him " Do you ever stop talking?" to which he replied "Yes, I stop talking all the time" I said.. " this would be a good time to practice that" He walked away from me and was going out of his way to avoid me after that.. this was a good thing.. but as they say all good things must come to an end.. Today Sierra was at my job applying for a job herself..when she was finished with her application process she came around to my office.. I happened to be outside.. I gave her my keys so she could listen to the radio and such.. when she was finished I had told her to ask someone outside to come get me.. guess who happened to be outside when she was finished.. you guessed it creepy himself.. he came into the office and asked me if I was Tammy.. I was like great now he knows my name.. I told him yep that's me.. he told me Sierra was outside waiting for me.. wow even better he knows my pregnant daughter's name too.. can this get any worse?.. I took my lunch break and went outside to sit with Sierra while she waited on her friend to come get her to give her a ride home..(she did get her license Wed but her car isn't transferred over to our name yet) as she and I were talking , of course creepy kept interjecting things into our conversation.. at one point we were talking about driving he mentions that he drives 110mph in the mountains.. I said "That doesn't make you a good driver just stupid".. he said "I'm still here" I said " OK you are still stupid".. he didn't take the hint.. Now I am gonna have to find a way to get rid of him again.. thanks Sierra ya brat..

Well I guess I am about done on here tonight I need to get my butt in bed and the rest of me.. I am going to visit Chris in the morning and although it isn't that far to drive it is a bit of a difficult drive as you have to go through all these mountains and such..and I won't be driving 110mph.. I am taking the new Cadillac tomorrow.. (OK new to me Cadillac.. 99 Deville.. pearl white.. it is a great car..) so I want to get an early start just in case.. not that I expect any problems but you never know with any used car..

Y'all have fun.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007


I am sort of still in a blur.. I am functioning.. cleaning house, trading vehicles, cooking dinners, doing the shopping.. you know normal daily function type of things.. what I am not really doing much of is thinking.. I can't right now.. If I think I will cry.. It is hard to explain, as long as I keep busy doing the things I should be doing I won't think about all the loss we have had over the last month.. I won't think about or question why my dad's death hit me as hard as it did.. I won't regret not going to visit him in the hospital.. I won't think about not seeing Ron's granny as often as we should have..I won't have time to miss Ron's dad.. I won't think about the fact that I don't spend as much time with my mom and grandmother as I should.. I won't think about anything but doing the things I am doing.. Yes, I know that having the what ifs, and the regrets about are a normal healthy part of the greiving process.. It is just that in less than a month we have lost 3 people and that I haven't had time to deal with or really grieve for any one of them.. who do you grieve for first or most.. what do you do in a situation like this? What is the normal response or even is there a "normal" response to a situation like this? I just don't know.. Last night I was talking to Chris on the phone.. oh yeah.. someone else I am worried about.. anyway.. while I was talking to him.. we were talking about my dad.. I burst into tears.. I don't know why.. I just did.. sometimes I want to just get back in bed and sleep all day.. Chelsea is sleeping too much.. I guess that is her way of dealing with is or heck I don't know...maybe she just isn't feeling good right now.. I feel everything right now in a mostly cautious way.. like if I let myself feel too much I am gonna break..

There is a bright light in my life other than my precious Ron.. since I was baptized I have felt this I don't know.. inner peace and comfort.. I know that can only come from God.. that is what keeps me going and lets me know that when I am able to feel things normally again that I won't actually break.. He will always be there in my heart and my mind to keep me from just falling apart.. ya know Ron said something at church the other day .. I had said something about God not putting on us more than we can bear.. Ron said to me " wish He didn't trust you so much sometimes".. I do and I don't.. I am grateful that God has given me the inate strength that everyone that has ever known me remarks on.. and I am grateful that I have been strong enough to hold it together this far in dealing with all that has been going on.. I just wish I had the strength to be as strong for me as I can be for those I love.. I guess that is what He is for.. He is the strength I need just for myself..

I know life goes on.. I have a wonderful husband, beautiful healthy children, the promise of a great little granddaughter coming in August, a good job, (which I can't wait to get back to on Thursday), the love and support of my friends, an over all good life.. I also know I will get back to really living it as soon as God thinks I am ready to.. right now though..I guess I am just gonna be numb a while longer..

Y'all have fun

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Life Changes

Things are settling down a bit.. as Ron said they are not returning to normal.. I don't think they can return to what was "normal" .. Dad is not here..

My life has taken a new direction and it is one that I have wanted it to take for a long time.. I was at church Sunday afternoon.. it was a wonderful service.. there was crying, singing, dancing, and then there was me right in the middle of all of it.. I don't know how many of you are Pentecostal or know what being Pentecostal is but, I was blessed by receiving the Holy Ghost.. I have never felt anything like it in my life.. when we left church .. I asked Ron if he thought the pastor of the church we normally attend would baptize me.. he called him and on Tuesday night I was baptized..

I have never been happier in my life.. it seems so strange that I have a peace about me that I have never had before.. I am not having trouble sleeping anymore.. from the time I was 13 I have had insomnia.. now.. for the last few days.. I fall right asleep.. I don't have the desire to do the things I used to do without thinking about it..I don't feel the stress that has been a part of my life for so long it seems as if I were born with it.. Some of my friends are sorta worried that I won't still be me.. I am still me.. just a better me.. how can that not be a good thing?.. I still love the same people I have always loved.. I still will never judge anyone for who they are or the things they do in their lives.. I just feel a change in me.. down to the core of who I am.. I like it..

Ok.. this wasn't supposed to be blog about Tammy day.. The kids are doing ok.. they are getting past the inital shock of losing their papaw and are going on .. that is what they should do.. they are kids.. Sierra is doing well.. she gave us a bit of a scare on Friday.. she started having cramps in her lower abdomen.. I took her to the hospital here in Mt. Sterling.. they checked the baby first.. she is fine.. she was kicking and so forth.. wouldn't stay still long enough for the dr. to get her heart rate.. but finally she cooperated.. They checked Sierra after making sure the baby was ok.. she has a minor infection somewhere in her body based on the blood work they did.. they just weren't sure if it was in her appendix or not so they kept her overnight for observation.. she was released Saturday afternoon and some friends of ours picked her up and brought her to Dad's funeral.. thank you so much B and S.. you are wonderful.. your helpfulness and thoughtfulness alone is overwhelming but the love that you have shown our family during this time has been a Godsend.. thank you again.. and don't think I am leaving out the cute lil english guy.. he is loved and greatly appreciated as well..

I am going this afternoon to apply for a real job.. our son in law works for a company in lex and they are hiring right now... he put in a good word for me.. he thinks I will get the job.. wow.. it will feel pretty good to work a 9-5 mon- fri job and not have to work weekends.. or nights.. I will have benefits and all that good stuff too.. and will be making a lot better money than I am at Dollar Tree.. don't get me wrong.. I love the folks there.. but I need a real job.. and this is something I will be good at.. I almost said that it would cut down on my blog time.. but then again.. I don't blog that often anyway do I?..

Well it is about time for me to think about getting out of here..

Y'all have fun..

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

The Latest From the World of TammyJ

I keep promising myself that I will do better about keeping up with my posts.. and then something else happens around here and my posting takes a back burner again.. by the time I think about the fact I haven't blogged in a week or a month or whatever it is I am usually in bed with the covers just about over my head and don't feel like getting out of bed to post anything.. mostly all I want to do by that time is stay hidden next to my honey and try to put my thoughts to rest long enough for me to do something I rarely get to do.. SLEEP!!

There have been some good developments with Ron's dad, not as many as we would like but we will take this one day at a time and will take all good news we can get regardless of its magnitude.. I won't be able to attend the family meeting with Ron tomorrow when the family will get together with the doctors to decide the next course of action with his dad but Ron will be there for both of us and I am sure he will tell me everything they discuss.. The reason I won't be there is tomorrow Sierra is having her full ultrasound appointment.. Hopefully we will find out the sex of the baby but mostly I think it will help to reassure Sierra that everything is OK. I know she worries about the baby especially since her loss of Gabriel, but the only thing I can do as her mother is continually reassure her that she is taking care of herself and that is all she can do.. I think seeing the baby on the ultrasound and seeing that he/she is healthy will do her a world of good..

The news about my dad is not so good.. He refused to have the procedure that could extend his life expectancy from a couple weeks to a yr or so this morning.. I had a feeling that he might do something like that.. it is something he has done in the past. This time though I don't think he is going to be as fortunate as he has been in the past.. the Dr. told my uncle that if my dad doesn't have this procedure he will most likely not live another week or so.. there is only a 20% chance that the procedure will not kill him in itself, but he has no chance at all of survival without it. My dad and I have a very strained relationship.. there was much abuse of my mother by him when I was growing up.. there was much drinking and violence.. I really never got to know him other than as the person who was doing all of these things.. I don't want him to die.. but I honestly can't say that it is unexpected either.. I don't wish him any ill will at all.. I forgave him a long time ago.. for my own reasons.. but forgetting is an entirely different thing.. His family thinks that my brother and I should be doing more for him than we are doing.. they can think what they like.. I am doing all my heart will allow me to do.. My brother really doesn't even know my dad.. he left his mother when he was 2 yrs old.. and he didn't have any contact until he was in his 20's so I really don't see him having this huge obligation.. I guess that is just how I think about it.. I will do what I can as far as trying to convince my dad to have the procedure.. I will help to get him into a nursing home if he lives long enough to be transferred and I will help in arranging for his final expenses but that is about all I can do..

Other than all the medical things going on around here things are OK.. I have been a bit snippy with everyone.. I am sure that is just stress.. Ron and I don't usually ever have a cross word between us and for the last few days we have both been a little on the short fused side.. that has to change.. Ron and the kids are my life and I feel like I am either not spending enough time with them or snapping at them lately.. that is not a good thing.. I made a decision today to put an end to that kind of thing.. I am going to do what I can where I am needed but Ron and the kids have to come first..

Well I think I hear the coffee pot calling me and I may just take a half an hour for me so I can cover all these new gray hairs I have gotten in the past two weeks or so..

Y'all have fun

Friday, February 23, 2007

WOW.. Where to Start?

Ok.. first things first here.. I don't like being forced to do things.. I don't like being told I can't do things the way I have been doing them.. and what happens today?.. I was finally forced to change to the new blogger.. I have been avoiding it like the plague.. I don't really know why.. I don't have major problems with change.. in fact I am really rather good at it.. I would have never made it through childhood if I couldn't handle complete and utter change at a moment's notice.. my parents were a bit touched and things changed frequently with them.. Oh Lord I don't even want to try to go down that particular road this morning.. lets just end that train of thought now.. anyway.. here I am google blogging away.. Lets just see if it will grow on me..

There have been so many things going on around here I really am not sure where to start or if there is actually a starting place.. I think most of what has been going on basically started a while back and has just continued.. Ron told y'all about Chris being moved and about buying the trailblazer so I won't bore ya with that stuff.. one thing he didn't tell you about the trip to see Chris was the roads were bladder locking up bad and he did a great job navigating them.. I used to be able to drive in just about anything .. rain, sleet, snow, wind, who cared.. but ever since the trip from hell last April when I had to drive that 24ft truck back up here to KY from FL by myself while pulling a trailer with a van on it through the mountains and in the rain. I think my confidence has waned.. It is not a matter of thinking I cant do it.. It is more a matter of I get sweaty, wheezy, and scared half to death at the slightest hint of a skid or a slide now days.. that truck tried to slide sideways with me and the kids on a really bad part of the road in the middle of the night and I think now when something skids with me it just triggers a panic type reaction in me.. thank God my honey was driving last Saturday.. I don't know that I could have done it. The weather looks good for this weekend so I will be going up there to see Chris on Saturday. I don't think Ron is going this time because we are going to be having some work done on the Bravada .. nothing major.. just some basic maintenance things that are a bit overdue.

Sierra's pregnancy is progressing well.. she is finally over the morning sickness part of it and is starting to show a bit.. it looks funny she is such a tiny little thing and any amount of belly at all looks strange on her.. it all shows.. but she is handling the lost of her cute lil shape pretty well.. she wants this baby and knows she will get her shape back later.. not that it matters all that much to her as long as her baby is healthy..

Ron's Dad has been in the hospital for a little over a week. He had his kidney taken out and some gall stones removed last Thursday.. He was doing well.. he had a difficult night on Tuesday with his breathing.. and wasn't responsive to the nurses and family.. Wednesday morning Ron took off work to go to the hospital. While he was in the room his dad was more himself. The medical staff had scheduled a CT-Scan to see if the breathing/disorientation problem of the night before was due to some sort of blockage. As they were taking him down to do the procedure Ron heard his dad tell them if they would sit him up a bit he could breathe better.. when they got him down to radiology he stopped breathing and his heart stopped for about 5-10 mins.. They got him going again and he is now on a ventilator. The doctors are worried about brain damage, they called in a neurology consult yesterday the neurologist did an EEG and we should get the results of that today. The neurologist did tell the family that if he has any damage at all it is mild to moderate.. Ron says his faith leads him to believe that when we were praying for God to heal him while they were trying to get his heart started again that God heard us and he doesn't believe that God would bring his dad back just to be a drooling old man sitting in a chair.. I believe that too.. I have a simpler way of putting it.. I don't believe that God heals us half way.. He doesn't practice medicine..He has it perfected. God knows how much healing we need to make us who we need to be it is hard for me to believe that he would fall short of giving us all that we need.. that is just how my faith works... If you pray please include Ron's dad and the rest of the family in those prayers.. He is a wonderful man, a great father, a faithful husband and a long time servant of God. This family will not fall apart if we lose him but there will be such a huge hole in it from his loss.. the strength to survive his loss is just one of the many gifts he has bestowed on his family but we just really don't want to have that strength tested. I have only been a part of this family for a few years. I have mentioned time and time again what a wonderful group of people they are. I have never once felt like an outsider I have never been treated like I am not good enough.. I have always been just included as any member of the family would be.. I think that is pretty great.. Ron's sister told me the other day.. There is no probation period in this family we just pretty much accept you as family when you become family. That about sums it up.

I have to take Kyle and Chella to the Dr today.. Kyle has had a swollen, red, sore throat all week.. I have been having one heck of a time trying to get an appointment for him.. Chella has done something to her back again.. who knows.. the child is as bad as I am when it comes to hurting her back.. I want to get an MRI done on her back soon to find out if she has inherited all of the bone problems I have inherited from my mom and grandmother.. it is a family thing for the women to have back problems.. I have been out of work for another week with mine and am now on light duty for another week .. my boss is having some sort of mental block in understanding the NO part of lifting, bending, stooping and squatting.. she asked me to unload several boxes that I couldn't lift and was unable to unload without having to be bent over for sometime .. I told her "NO".. she didn't like it.. but oh well I am not gonna hurt myself for 6 bucks an hour at the Dollar Tree and she really needs to understand what can happen to the company if she insists on trying to make me do things I am not medically able to do.. but oh well .. she'll get it eventually..

Well now that I have written a novella here I think I will go hunt up some food.. I just realized I haven't eaten a thing all morning.. and my lil belly is hollering away in there.. time to quiet the beast..

Y'all have fun.

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Still Going On..

I am still here.. I am still semi sane.. I am still pissed in a major way.. I have been ok really.. I am dealing with the Chris situation as best I can. That mostly means writing letters to judges, asking questions of legal minds, researching backgrounds of lying people.. that sorta thing. Other than all of that there are still the day to day things I have to do.. there are dinners to be cooked, lunches to be made, laundry to be done, and a huge house to be cleaned.. then there is the fact that I do have 3 other children here and 3 more that don't live at home and a wonderful husband that all need me to be sane and healthy.. So.. I have decided to be healthy.. Completely sane is never gonna happen for me..

Russ called me today. He said he wanted to check on me to make sure I am alright.. He knows I am strong enough to handle damn near anything but he could read between the lines on my last post to know that I might be holding too much in and not dealing with everything the way I probably should be.. I am not really holding much in.. I am dealing as best I can.. and yes Russ I am staying mad..It was good talking to Russ.. he is a really good person it would be great if he knew what a great guy he is.. but that is another story..

Ron is in my ear right now driving home from work.. I have dinner mostly done and will be making Ron's lunch here in a bit. I am going to see Chris in a bit.. I will go in there and tell him the things I have found out.. I will try to let him know we are all still with him.. and I will try to read his eyes and make sure that he is really ok and not just pacifying mom by saying he is.. then I will come home and get out of this really frigid weather and get in the bed with my hubby and try to get some sleep. I will get up in the morning and start the day all over just like we all have to do..

Y'all have fun..

Monday, January 29, 2007

2007 Not Starting Out Well..

As years go.. this one has started out in a spectatularly bad direction.. maybe it is gonna be bad at the start and end up being one of the best ever.. hell it can't go down hill much from here anyway..

I don't know how other people do it.. I just don't know if I can deal with this situation.. What I am talking about is what Ron alluded to on his blog.. It not only didn't go well for Chris in court Friday.. it was an all out shock and disappointment.. The judge sentenced him to 5 yrs in prison.. I don't understand .. I was floored.. This was a first offense for Chris.. I have watched this judge for over a year now.. handing out sentences.. doing justice.. and I have never seen him give a sentence like this to anyone with a first offense.. hell most of the time he lets repeat offenders out of jail on bond or probation .. I just don't get it.. yeah.. the jerk that started all of this was in the courtroom and had written a letter full of lies to the judge.. but you would think reading a letter from a man that has changed his story 3 times that a judge would be able to see him for what he is.. Chris' attorney just stood there like an idiot.. like nothing was wrong with this.. he didn't even try to argue for my child.. I am hurt.. angry.. sad.. I don't even begin to know which emotion to try and deal with first so .. I guess I will go with angry.. I accomplish a lot more with that one..

I couldn't go to work Saturday.. I had to talk to a friend of ours that happens to be an attorney.. D. told me some hopeful news.. he said in this type of thing this particular judge will give a sentence like this to give the defendant a taste of doing time and in most cases will grant "shock probation" after a period of 30 to 90 days.. I talked to Chris' attorney this morning and he has assured me that we will be applying for shock probation in about 90 days.. this is good and bad news.. good that there is hope of getting my son out.. bad in that he has to be in that place for 90 days.. for those of you that don't know the original story of how all this started check my posts from Nov of 2005 it is in there somewhere. I just don't feel like doing a recap of it now..

In the mean time.. I am working overtime researching law about this type of case.. seeing what legal options are available to us.. doing Chris' banking and such.. getting in touch with everyone that might have info for me.. and basically trying to stay as busy as possible so I don't have to think.. thinking is bad.. If I think too long I will break down.. I will not be able to function.. that ain't good.. Most of the time around here I am so busy with ordinary life I don't have time to think.. now it feels like there just isn't enough for me to do..

My biggest problem right now is that I don't want to break in front of Chris.. it is indescribable what it feels like to visit my firstborn child in a place like that.. what it feels like to not be able to hug him.. to not be able to fix this.. I know that chris bears responsibility in all of this.. he made some bad choices.. but in this case the punishment does not fit the crime. As a mom I want to fix things for my children.. this is something I cannot fix.. I can work on it.. I can get the info together and I can pray.. but ultimately my child's fate lies in the hands of the judicial system that I just don't have much faith in anymore.. That is almost unbearable for a person like me.. or any mom I would imagine.. People tell me all the time I am the strongest woman they know, there are times I would like to not be strong.. I would like to crawl in bed and pull the covers over my head and hide there.. I won't do that of course... It is just not who I am.. Ron has been more than my husband and friend in helping me deal with this.. he has been what I have always known he is.. My Angel..

Well time to get off here and get back to work.. Y'all have fun

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Trying to Get Back in The Mood

I sometimes wonder why I still have a blog... Lately I just don't seem to care to sit down and write anything... I really am not sure why I feel this way.. I have the words in my head as I always do.. I have things going on in my life that, if I wrote about them they may not take up so much space in my head.. but still I simply don't seem to have the energy or the inclination most days to sit down at the computer, log in to blogspot, and type.. I don't know if it is stress or if it is whatever weirdness my body has been going through as of late.. or hell maybe I am just getting lazy in my old age..

Things are actually a bit calmer nowdays than they were when Sierra and Jordan were both at the house.. sometimes being around them is like being around a bomb with a light trigger you never know what might set them off therefore you walk carefully around them to keep the peace.. Sierra is doing ok physically since his forced departure, mentally I am not to sure.. I know she is having a hard time dealing with the situation that caused us to tell Jordan to leave.. I know she is afraid of facing the future of having a baby alone, and raising one by herself. I know that isn't an easy thing to contimplate when you are that young.. I know because I was 17 and pregnant with my first child, alone and scared to death.. I guess I just did things differently.. I went out and got a job and concentrated on keeping me and my baby healthy, Sierra's main goal seems to be breaking the guiness book record for sleeping on the couch.. but hopefully given a bit of time she will be able to come to terms and make the right choices for her and her child to be..

Last week my manager called me on both days I was scheduled to work to inform me I didn't need to come in, due to cutting back on hours for all employees... When she called me on Friday I told her" I will bring you a 2 week notice tomorrow when I come in to check next weeks schedule if I am only going to get scheduled for 5 or 10 hour weeks and then not even get to work them".. she said she understood.. when I called Saturday to check on my schedule for this week it turns out I am scheduled for 15 hours this week and 20 next week .. hmm I guess she wants to keep me around after all..

Right now I am sitting here at Ron's school waiting for him to get off work.. we had our first snow day of the winter here and at home.. so there are no students here.. just me, Ron, Kyle and Sierra.. I have been reading, Ron has been doing whatever work he needs to do, Kyle has been watching TV and you will never guess, Sierra has been..... Sleeping of course..

Well Ron needs his work puter so I guess I will get back to my 3rd reading of "A Handmaid's Tale" by Margaret Atwood.. great book..

Y'all have fun