Numb

I am sort of still in a blur.. I am functioning.. cleaning house, trading vehicles, cooking dinners, doing the shopping.. you know normal daily function type of things.. what I am not really doing much of is thinking.. I can't right now.. If I think I will cry.. It is hard to explain, as long as I keep busy doing the things I should be doing I won't think about all the loss we have had over the last month.. I won't think about or question why my dad's death hit me as hard as it did.. I won't regret not going to visit him in the hospital.. I won't think about not seeing Ron's granny as often as we should have..I won't have time to miss Ron's dad.. I won't think about the fact that I don't spend as much time with my mom and grandmother as I should.. I won't think about anything but doing the things I am doing.. Yes, I know that having the what ifs, and the regrets about are a normal healthy part of the greiving process.. It is just that in less than a month we have lost 3 people and that I haven't had time to deal with or really grieve for any one of them.. who do you grieve for first or most.. what do you do in a situation like this? What is the normal response or even is there a "normal" response to a situation like this? I just don't know.. Last night I was talking to Chris on the phone.. oh yeah.. someone else I am worried about.. anyway.. while I was talking to him.. we were talking about my dad.. I burst into tears.. I don't know why.. I just did.. sometimes I want to just get back in bed and sleep all day.. Chelsea is sleeping too much.. I guess that is her way of dealing with is or heck I don't know...maybe she just isn't feeling good right now.. I feel everything right now in a mostly cautious way.. like if I let myself feel too much I am gonna break..

There is a bright light in my life other than my precious Ron.. since I was baptized I have felt this I don't know.. inner peace and comfort.. I know that can only come from God.. that is what keeps me going and lets me know that when I am able to feel things normally again that I won't actually break.. He will always be there in my heart and my mind to keep me from just falling apart.. ya know Ron said something at church the other day .. I had said something about God not putting on us more than we can bear.. Ron said to me " wish He didn't trust you so much sometimes".. I do and I don't.. I am grateful that God has given me the inate strength that everyone that has ever known me remarks on.. and I am grateful that I have been strong enough to hold it together this far in dealing with all that has been going on.. I just wish I had the strength to be as strong for me as I can be for those I love.. I guess that is what He is for.. He is the strength I need just for myself..

I know life goes on.. I have a wonderful husband, beautiful healthy children, the promise of a great little granddaughter coming in August, a good job, (which I can't wait to get back to on Thursday), the love and support of my friends, an over all good life.. I also know I will get back to really living it as soon as God thinks I am ready to.. right now though..I guess I am just gonna be numb a while longer..

Y'all have fun