Blue..

I wonder why when you are sad they say you are blue.. ? It makes no sense to me.. to me.. Blue is the sky.. the color of Ron's eyes.. the ocean on a clear day.. to me blue is a happy color..I think of none of these things when I am sad..

To me when you are sad you should be feeling gray.. Gray is a blah, nothing color.. It is the bruised sky of a storm.. it is a rough and rocky sea.. it is washed out, devoid of the richness that would make it black..not enough light to make it white... that is how I feel when I am sad.. Nothing as cheerful as blue for me..

Don't worry .. I am fine.. I was just pondering.. and that is what my mind came up with.. pondering is a dangerous thing for me.. it can take me to some of the strangest places.. but I do have to admit.. I love my aimless wonderings in my mind.. the never knowing which way my thoughts will go... never having a destination in mind and always just grateful for the ability to think.. to free myself to my thoughts.. good, bad or indifferent.. for me .. this is a normal part of who I am.. I wouldn't change it if I could.. so.. if every now and then I seem to have come upon a darker place I want to write about.. Don't worry.. I am sure the Tammy mind machine will embark on a happier journey real soon.

Have fun Y'all..

Today has been a lazy day.. I have completed all the housework I needed to do this morning.. with the exception of laundry.. that is one task that is never complete.. anywho.. so I didn't feel much like watching TV.. I didn't feel like writing.. I didn't feel like doing much of anything so I laid down for about an hour.. It did me some good.. I got up feeling a bit refreshed and a bit less lazy.. but it is raining and dreary outside I have a suspicion that lazy will return..

Sierra has a job interview at 2:30.. I have no problem with her working while she is pregnant I really don't like the idea of her being on her feet for 6 to 8 hrs per shift but, if it is what she wants to do then I am all for it.. Jordan got a little upset this morning when Sierra talked about not going to the interview.. she was thinking of the fact that her work schedule may not be centered around her how Sierra feels today schedule.. he was concerned about the fact that he is working.. (barely) and that he is feeling overwhelmed at all the financial responsibilities.. my answer to him is .. you know if you didn't want to be responsible you should have kept it in your pants..

Anyway.. while we are out I will make a quick dash into some store to get toothpaste.. (the only thing we are out of at the moment) then to get Kyle and back to get Sierra.. I don't have to pick Chelsea up on time today.. she missed a test while she was out of school last week with pink eye so she will be staying late to make that up..

Well that is about it for my day.. how is your day?

Sympathy Pains

For the last couple of weeks I have been having sympathy pains for Sierra... I have been running to the bathroom every few minutes.. I have been eating everything that I can eat.. I have even had a few days of nausea.. but by far the worst of the sympathy pains has to be the sit around and cry for no reason ones..

This morning.. I was watching the Molly Ringwold movie "For Keeps".. and I bawled through most of the movie.. I don't have a clue why.. Could it be that the movie is about a pregnant teenager and her boyfriend trying to make a life together? Who knows.. all I do seem to know is I bawled for what seemed like an hour..

I am not given to crying jags for the most part.. now, I am very soft hearted.. I cry at Hallmark commercials.. but just to sit around and boo hoo for no reason is not generally something I do.. only explaination I have for this behavior is to blame it on Sierra.. I am sure that she has done something I haven't caught her doing that would make me cry..

Anyway.. I think I will go buy a box of Kleenex and try to get some housework done..

Have a good day Y'all

No Time To Say Hello Goodbye I'm Late....

That is my theme song for this week .. I have been rushed.. run around.. and other wise in a hurry all week long.. I will be so glad when this week is over.. all I really want to do is go to sleep for a bit.. say 3 days...

Long story short.. I have been trying to help Jordan find another job.. yep folks it's true.. that boy is unemployed AGAIN... I have been taking kids to the doctor.. Chelsea has pink eye.. and Kyle's allergies are acting haywire.. I have been paying bills.. yeah that is a fun trip.. I have been talking to mortgage people.. looking to buy a home sometime or another maybe... I have been calling my attorney for workers comp.. trying to see if there is a chance of me getting some medical care.. my wrist is not getting better it is getting worse.. and I am tired of being in pain all the time.. and then I have been trying to do some much needed spring cleaning too.. hopefully my week will calm down after I go to court for my son today.. I only have one more appt this week.. that one is with the psycho teacher of Chelsea's.. tomorrow at 12:30.. I will let ya'll know how that one turns out.. anywho.. time to get on the road again..

Have a great day...

Dangit Monday Again

Ya know.. I know Monday is coming.. I know that the weekend will fly by.. I know that intellectually.. but part of me keeps hoping that I can just stay in bed a bit longer on that day that follows sunday.. I keep thinking .. I know it isn't Monday yet... it can't be.. it was just Friday last night..

Anyway.. Today started out ok.. and went sorta downhill from there... Jordan would not get up this morning.. he is trying to convince me that he can be responsible but the boy won't get out of the bed in the morning.. yeah.. Mr Responsibility there..

Kyle got up with some kind of bug this morning.. so he has been home all day running the mouth at top speed.. funny.. he can have a fever of 102 and still feel like talking nonstop.. I don't feel like running off at the mouth that much if I am that sick.. but maybe that is just a 9 yr old thing..

Jordan finally got up and we were off and running.. I had some things to do today.. and where he wanted to job hunt was on my way so it worked out well .. I am not going out of my way anymore to help this kid.. he needs to learn to help himself. He put in his apps.. I did my thing.. we came back home because Sierra needed to go to the bathroom and I needed to check the mail.. after that is when things got a little haywire..

Sierra has been complaining for days that she needs shoes.. so I took her to find shoes.. nothing suited her.. nothing was the right color, price, size.. or whatever talk about pregnancy moodiness.. wow.. Kyle also needed a pair of shoes.. he was easy.. easy size.. easy price.. got them..

I have been looking for a shower caddy.. you know the thing I mean.. hangs over the showerhead.. holds things.. well it seems as how no one else knows what they are.. I am in wal mart.. I ask an associate in there.. he tells me in very broken english.. that he has no idea what they are or where they would be if he did know..So.. I then find another associate.. she tells me .. again in very broken english.. that she doesn't know what they are but they are in housewares or hardware.. I gave up at that point , paid for Kyle's shoes and left.

My ex husband sent me a money order for his half of Kyle's school pictures.. and makes the thing payable to me.. this wouldn't have been a problem if he had sent it before today and I would have had a chance to cash it.. the problem is.. the order was due today.. and I have no where to cash it.. they won't take a check.. and I didn't have that much cash on me.. so I stopped at the store down the street that advertises they sell Western Union Money Orders.. I go in.. and ask if they cash them.. she tells me no.. and that they don't even sell them.. now this is a place that has the logo all over the store advertising Western Union.. and the fact that she was telling me this in very broken english pretty much was it for me today.. I called the portrait place and asked them what they wanted me to do.. they said just endorse it and that would be fine.. I was like thank you..

We finally made it back home.. where I did some minor cleaning.. and more laundry.. and where I will be sitting down quietly for a little bit until time to go get Chelsea..

Have a great day Y'all

Back to Semi Normal

Today I feel mostly like my old self again.. I got out and about.. did some things that I needed to do.. nothing exciting.. bill paying and such.. took a run to Nicholasville to see Audrey.. and just did the things that comprise a normal housewife's day..

Ron came home for a bit this morning to go downtown with me to renew Audrey's tags for her car.. that was a bonus morning for me.. got to spend more time with my honey.. we had a good time.. but then again.. we have a good time no matter what we are doing.. he then dropped me off at home and headed back out.. that is when my running began..

I don't know if it was the getting outta the house or the sunshine or the fact that I am as I type getting rid of some ugly lil gray monsters that have sprouted in my hair... but, whatever the reason.. I feel much better today.. none of that poor pitiful me thing going on.. I like this much better.. Told ya'll the sassy , smartass me that you have come to know would be back soon.. look out..

Well y'all have fun.. I'm out of here..

Rainy Days

It is a rainy, cold, dreary day outside.. so I have decided to not get out there in it.. There are things that I need to do outside.. I need to clean up the yard.. but that can be delegated to a kid later.. I need to go see my mom..I am going tomorrow.. It is warm and cozy in the house.. so I think that going to get the kids will be about the extent of my roaming today..

I haven't even put on real shoes today.. I found the cutest pair of house slippers over the weekend.. they are big, fluffy, pink tennis shoe looking slippers and for a change they are in my size... I have big feet..when I find shoes of any kind in my size that suit my personality and are cheap I tend to get them.. anyway.. the pink fuzzies are good enough for today.. I will have to put on shoes to go get the kids.. but they can come off when I get back home..

I am also wearing Ron's purple sweatshirt... I love wearing his clothes.. they are warmer than my clothes.. it makes no sense to me.. he is always warm.. I am always cold.. yet he has all the warmer clothes and never wears them.. good thing he keeps them around for me though.. His clothes are bigger than mine too.. roomy and comfy.. and there is just something incredibly sexy about wearing your man's clothes.. and it keeps ya feeling close when he isn't home.. at least that is my take on it..

All of the above is paired with my favorite jeans.. they are a size too big.. and really long on me.. they just feel good the way only a favorite pair of jeans can feel.. you know the ones.. the ragged out, faded, hole bearing jeans.. that you would never dream of parting with.. It is amazing how much comfort you can get from your favorite clothes..

I curled my hair last night.. got up this morning feeling like I was in the third grade again.. neck hurting from sleeping in curlers and all tangled up in them.. I took it down.. Ron's reaction was to call me "shirley" I told him it would not look like that when he got home.. funny.. he got this really relieved look on his face.. after he left for work I went into the bathroom and realized why... I looked like a red poodle was sleeping on my head.. not good.. I am happy to say that the poodle has been tamed and now is a shiny mop of red waves and loose curls.. You will like it honey..

Well now that I have discussed everything from the weather to hair.. I think I'll go make a cup of coffee and go have a smoke on the porch.. Have a good day all..

Blah Blah Blah

Have you ever had one of those I just don't want to do a damn thing days?... That is me to a tee today..

I have been restless for the last few days.. I don't know what I am doing.. what I want to do.. or why I even bother to think about wanting to do things in the first place.. I feel like a compass without that is outta whack.. I just keep spinning and spinning with no particular destination in mind..

This isn't about Ron.. he is wonderful.. this isn't about the kids.. for the most part they are wonderful.. this is about me..

I am having a lot of coping issues with not being able to work.. I have worked all of my life.. since I was 13 yrs old.. I don't know how to not work.. I don't know how to not make "my own money" I don't know how to depend on someone else to pay the bills, buy the groceries, buy my kids things, or any other financial need.. and I have a lot of trouble with asking Ron for money.. well not asking exactly but telling him I need money.. especially if it is something strictly for me..

I know it seems silly.. we are married.. we are two halves of a whole.. we share everything including money.. it is just hard for me because I have never been in a position in my life where I couldn't do it all on my own.. not that Ron isn't a wonderful provider.. he is.. I just don't feel like I contribute much.. if anything other than taking care of the kids and the house..

We are not destitute.. we however could use the money that I could be making if I could go back to work.. who couldn't.. It would take some of the worry wrinkles out of my honey's forehead if he didn't have to carry the full load.. (he carries it well and willingly) he never complains about my inability to return to work..he never makes me feel like I am a burden to him..

Most men would have run kicking and screaming from the thought of marrying a woman with 4 children in the first place but not my Ron.. he took on the responsibilities of them when he took on the challenge of being in my life.. and never has he uttered one word of complaint or woe about doing so.. he is a champion among men..

My thing is.. I worry.. I worry about everything.. I may have mentioned this a time or two in other posts..(now I am worried about being repetitive)..anyway.. I hate not being able to depend on me to provide for myself and my children.. I hate not being able to contribute financially to the well being of my family.. I hate not having my "own" money.. it just makes me crazy..

Last night I paced the house a million times.. I usually pace when I am highly pissed off.. but I also do it when I feel useless and aimless.. I don't know what to do with myself.. anyone got any good ideas what a person can do with little or no use of their right hand.. to make a buck or two?

Ok.. I think I am finished venting.. bear with me .. these things don't usually last more than a week..and then I will be back to my usual smartassed, sassy self...

Until then.. y'all have fun

Anniversary

For those of you that don't know.. Ron and I have been married for 18 months today... Happy Anniversary to us...

Yes, I know there are those that know us well that this post will nauseate but that's ok.. you know how Ron and I are....

The last 3 yrs with Ron have been wonderful..I never knew that a relationship could be the way it is with Ron.. we don't fight.. we rarely argue.. we respect each other and ourselves enough to agree to disagree when we need to.. We can talk about anything and everything and often do.. we don't have to be together all the time we just prefer each other's company.. we each give the other room when we need it.. and neither of us wants the other to change who they are.. we like us the way we are now.. and it has been that way from day one ( Long John Silver's)..

When Ron and I had our first real conversation I knew that this man.. this wonderful man would be someone that I would be friends with if nothing more.. but I could already see a glimmer of that something more in his eyes that were reflecting what he saw in mine.. We just seemed to click.. I don't believe in love at first sight.. but I do believe in serious like at first talk.. if that makes any sense...

Over the last 3 years we have grown together in so many ways that he is as much a part of me as my breath.. when he is not here I still feel him around me.. When he is beside me it feels like I am the complete person I was always supposed to be.. he doesn't make me who I am.. he makes me the more complete version of who I want to be.. that is a good thing..

So for all of you that think I am silly for celebrating an 18 month anniversary.. GET OVER IT.. and for those of you that now are seriously ill at your stomach.. oops.. but I make no apologies for loving my husband the way that I do.. and for being loved by him in a way I never knew or never thought could exist for me..

Y'all have fun..

Full Moon?

I am beginning to think that it is a full moon or something.. Malcolm has lost his 80lb boxer mind.. It all started a couple weeks ago.. there is a female pit bull in heat 3 houses down.. Now I know it is instinct for him to want to pay her a visit.. and that the owners should keep her secured.. but there are other things making me think this dog is going insane.. he runs off to see her.. he has started wanting to run out in the middle of the road.. he kicked his daddy's butt the other day.. and yesterday I had the puppy kenneled while I was gone and when I came home there were shredded paper towels all over the place.. my first thought was.. "BUSTED". I am beginning to think I need to send him to doggie military school.. or doggie boot camp..

There is really not a lot else going on today.. got my Lincoln back from the auto shop guys at Ron's school.. thanks guys... and I got to have lunch with my honey today.. that is always a good thing.. I love seeing him in the middle of the day.. well I like seeing him anytime..

Most of the day other than the trip to school has been running to get things for Jordan's apt. upstairs.. he needs to steam clean... he needed a new toilet assembly.. both of which he got today.. I think I hear steam cleaning above my head as we speak.. cool.. hmmm wonder if he would bring it down and let me use it first... anyway.. I'm outta here

Spring Break

Spring break changes when you grow up.. and personally.. I think that really bites.. I mean.. what was wrong with going to the beach, checking out the guys, getting sunburned and then partying until 3 in the morning to get up at noon the next day and do it all over again..

My teenagers wanna sleep til noon.. they have that part down.. then they want to hang around here with me.. Don't get me wrong.. I love hanging with my kids.. and I know we aren't rich so they can't go shopping or to the movies everyday but dang.. When I was their age the last place I wanted to be was with my parents.. Chelsea and J. hang out on the couch watching tv.. Sierra and Jordan hang out upstairs cleaning and whatever else it is that they do.. she is pregnant so it ain't hard to figure out some of their activities.. Kyle usually hangs in the house with me playing on the computer or video games in his room.. unless Caimon and David come over and then he is off and running out the door.. ok so I have one semi normal kid..Chris was the same way when he lived at home.. always in the house.. always sleeping or watching tv when he was on a break from school.. I swear if I didn't have to go to the store and such these kids would never leave the house.. I just don't get it..

In other news.. Kyle is having a blast at work with Ron.. I knew he would.. and from the sound of Ron when he has called today he is having just as much fun as Kyle.. that is a good thing.. I love it that those two hang out so well together..

My brother that lives in Arizona called a couple weeks ago.. It was great to talk to him and his wife Karin.. I really miss them both a lot.. Calvert and I didn't get to grow up together.. family issues and all that.. so it has only been since we have both basically been adults that we have gotten to know each other and become close.. I wish that we lived closer to visit more often but his job keeps him too busy and my kids and life keep me too busy.. but who knows.. maybe one day Ron and I will be sitting around doing nothing and decide a 2000 mile road trip sounds like a good thing.. Ron sent him the link to both our blogs so now the poor man probably thinks his little sister has completely gone off the deep end.. but that's ok.. I have never been normal..

That is about all I can type today.. the vacuum and I had a misunderstanding today and my wrist is paying for it.. Y'all have fun..

Dang Todd

Well I know I have said I hate to miss blogging.. but I seem to be doing a lot of that lately.. between the running up and down the road and a new case of the "funk" I just haven't had a lot of time

Todd is the reason for my new case of the "funk".. he came to a party that we attended Saturday night.. The party was fun.. the food was good.. the company was good.. the "funk" is not. I have spent the better part of today running to the bathroom to do things that I would rather not discuss here... I am thinking of getting a pillow and just sleeping in there.. would be easier than running back and forth..

Kyle is going to school with Ron tomorrow.. that should be fun for both of them.. Kyle adores Ron and loves spending one on one time with him.. he likes being Dad's big guy.. and Ron adores Kyle.. he had 3 daughters with his first wife.. so having a son is a new experience for him.. he is a great dad..

Anywho.. time for me to get off here and head back to my throne of the day.. hopefully this will be gone by tomorrow..

y'all have fun

Still Alive

I know a lot of you that read my blog must think I have died. I am still here I just haven't had the time to blog over the last week. I won't bore ya with the details of the entire week.. I'll just sum up..

It has been a long but good week.. This is my 3rd day this week coming to work with Ron.. I don't usually do much while I am here.. I get a book and sit and read it for hours.. You know the kinds of things I can't get away with at home.. there are no kids (usually) to fuss at.. there is nothing that I need to clean.. No laundry.. and I get to spend the whole day talking with Ron.. what could be better than that.. I told him yesterday that I wanted to climb up on one of the tables and go to sleep.. He said that being on the tables was against the rules.. I told him sleeping in class was too...he assured me that no in fact it is not against school rules to sleep in class.. so I did.. No I didn't climb on the table.. but you remember that whole putting your head down on the desk pretending that you are reading thing that you used to do in school? Well let me tell ya.. I was good at it then... and I seem have not forgotten how to do it.. head on the desk , book in front of me... Im out like a light... anyway. I have enjoyed getting some much needed Tammy time off from being in the house most all the time..

On Wed. Sierra, Jordan and I went to Louisville for Jordan's orientation for his job..It was a fun trip... I love to drive.. and I enjoy being with my kids so we had a good time.. We dropped Jordan off at work and went shopping.. (there goes the bank acct.).. we actually didn't spend much money.. just enjoyed window shopping..

Jordan was outta there by 1pm so we headed home.. we picked up Kyle and Chelsea and rushed off to Sierra's Dr's appt to have her first ultrasound.. Yes I now have pictures of my unborn grandbaby.. If I ever figure out how to put pics on my blog I will share them.. Ultrasound has changed a lot in the last 9 years since my last baby.. the resolution is wonderful nowdays we could see the head and the arms and legs and the sweet little heartbeat.. it was way cool and lots of tears all over the room. We left there and called Ronnie to tell him that we have pics of the grandbaby which I have all ready to mail to him.. I want him to be as much a part of our daughter's pregnancy that he can be given the circumstances and distances...

The rest of the week seems to have flown by.. I am not flying with it.. I have been tired most of the week and don't know why .. thinking I am doing too much running around and such.. but that is just the way my life goes.. I stay busy.. OK so I have been a bit lazy for 3 days this week.. but believe me the other 2 have more than made up for it...

Thinking I need to get back over to the desk and do some more"reading" y'all have fun..