Strength

There have been so many things in my head as of late that I have not been able to vocalize, write, or other wise deal with.. Perhaps I can put it all together now and get it gone..

The first and foremost thing on my mind right now is Ron.. he hasn't been himself lately and I don't know what to do to fix it.. I am a fixer.. I fix people.. that is what I do that is what I have always done..

When someone I love hurts, grieves, loses.. I always seem to be able to help them fix themselves.. I don't see this as anything special.. It is just what I do.. I honestly cannot remember a time in my life that I didn't want to fix everything and everyone..

Then there is me.. I have never been able to fix myself.. Right now with my wrist the way it is.. the inability to work.. the depression that comes with that.. I don't even feel like I am taking care of myself. This is a hard pill for me to swallow... I know I have Ron to lean on.. I know he is there.. but for me.. I have never needed anyone.. I have never trusted anyone.. therefore feeling the way that I do it is difficult for me to admit how much he takes care of me without telling myself that I am not taking care of me..

Then there are the kids.. I am worried sick about my son Christopher.. He is in FL and he isn't doing any better there than he was here.. I know he is technically an adult.. but he is still my child, my heart, my blood.. I don't care how old he is, he will always be these things.. Then there is Sierra's pregnancy, which is going fine but I still can't help but worry about her physical well being.. her future..the baby.. finances.. you know the usual.... Chelsea and Kyle don't pose much worry right now.. they are both doing fairly well in school.. Kyle moreso than Chelsea.. but, at the moment there are no major issues with the two of them...

Then there is the matter of my Ex.. he makes me nuts.. I don't want my kids to lose their relationship with him.. he is their father.. I want them to know that they can count on him too.. and he seems to think that because he misses his kids so much, he can't keep in contact with them because it hurts him too much.. I have tried to explain to him what he puts our children through is worse than any pain he might suffer because when he doesn't call, they see it as Daddy doesn't care.. but either he is too blind or too immature to see that..

Ron is good to my kids.. I know he loves them.. he has never tried to take the role of "daddy" away from my ex.. and never would.. but for the kids.. Ronnie not calling.. not being there for them makes them distrustful of all father figures.. here in lies one major problem around here..

Ron has a different parenting style than mine.. I am rather laid back.. I disclipline differently.. On the whole we are just different.. that is neither a good thing or a bad thing.. it is just a thing, and when the kids see the difference they naturally "side" with me.. and the last thing I want is little opposing camps all over the place..

There are times when I don't want to deal with all of this.. I go find a book and hide.. I know that Ron is there.. I know that one word from me .. he would hold me and let me know that it is ok.. but I can't bring myself to ask.. I have to be strong.. I have to be tough.. I don't want to lose that part of me because if I do.. I am afraid there will be nothing of me left.. I don't know how to be anything else.. so therein lies one of the most fundemental problems.. I know how to be there for those that I love.. I know how to take care of everyone.. I know how to help them heal.. I can be as strong as I need to be for as long as I need to be as long as someone I love needs me to be.. but I cannot be weak for me for any reason.. I can't let someone else be strong for me.. I simply don't know how..