Where Have I been?

It has been a while since I have blogged.. sorry bout that.. and no I didn't get kidnapped by aliens again.. just got away for a bit.. got to go with Ron on a 2 day mini vacation.. well vacation for me and the kids.. work and classes for him.. but I think over all we all had a good time.. Next week I won't be blogging much either unless I can blog from Glenna's puter.. I will be in FL most of the week.. taking Kyle and Chel to their dad.. and picking up my grandmother.. that will be a trip and a half I am sure..

The thing that sux the most about the trip to Fl is not that I will have to see my ex.. that sux enough but, that I won't have my Ron with me.. I hate being without him.. I know I won't sleep.. I won't eat right.. I won't feel like me until I get back home.. I guess I will have to try to figure out some way to stay busy until I can leave.. Last year I cut my trip short by a full day in order to get back home to him..

Well I guess I had better get off here and get some rest and spend as much time with my honey as I can making up for lost time before we actually lose it..

Y'all have fun...

The first ultrasound  

Weekend

Here it is another Sunday evening.. that is the thing about weekends.. they always end.. this one has been a really good one..

Friday was a too tired to head out to Todd's night.. that was fine with me.. I wouldn't have minded singing but, I can do that at home.. there was much cuddling and movie watching.. can't do that at todd's.. well the cuddling yes.. but it is too loud in there to hear the tv.. anywho.. we got up saturday and went out and about as described in Ron's blog .. I got a really pretty dress that I think I will wear to Sierra and Jordan's big wedding ceremony in July.. It is white and fits me well that is always a good thing..

Today has been a lazy type day.. I have read most of the day.. Ron has been on the puter.. I even got to take a short nap.. It is good to have a lazy day most of the time.. the house is pretty much in order.. the laundry doesn't need me to do anything but change it from machine to machine to basket.. and dinner was a breeze.. fried pork chops and mexican rice with diced tomatoes and corn.. it was good.. I took a hot bath and washed my hair.. I think the rest of the evening will be just as relaxing and lazy.. I see more cuddling.. more reading.. more tv watching.. dang wouldn't it be nice if the weekends were 5 days and the work week were 2.. oh well so much for fantasizing.. I only have one thing that I must do this eve.. gotta make Ron's lunch for tomorrow.. but that is a labor of love so it is something I enjoy doing..

Speaking of which.. I think I will get off here and go do that .. so the cuddling can begin..

Y'all have fun

Thinking, Musing, Eating.

It just feels like I should be writing this morning. I am not sure what it is I am supposed to be writing about.. there is nothing particular on my mind.. there is nothing other than the regular worrisome stuff on my mind.. Just something keeps nagging at me to write.. So I thought I would sit down at the trusty computer this morning and see what comes out..

So far it has been an uneventful day.. it is only a little after 8 but I am hopeful that this is a trend that will last the entire day.. I do have a lot to do today.. I need to take Jordan and Chris job hunting.. I need to take Sierra for an appt.. I need to do some shopping for my Mary Kay party tomorrow.. and I need to do some seriously major housecleaning.. I hope that my wrist holds out for the day and allows me to do some if not all of the things I need to do..

I just went and woke up Chris.. he is a lot of things that bug me.. but I will give him credit for one thing..that is the easiest person on the planet to awaken.. just say his name.. and he is awake and ready to go.. It wasn't always that way with him.. he used to be like Chelsea.. beg, plead, threaten and pray that she gets up.. but when he turned about 12 he was up like a shot.. maybe this means she will out grow it too..

There are only 2 days left in the school year.. this is something that makes me immensly happy.. I love having them all home from school.. I get to spend more time with them that way.. yeah I know I am a traitor to mom's everywhere.. I just can't help myself.. when they were little and starting school I was miserable.. I hated leaving them there.. I hated that they would be gone for 6 hrs of the day and that I would miss that time with them.. I don't know why I am that way.. maybe it all ties in with the taking in every kid I see thing... and that my kids are my life thing.. don't know.. and honestly.. I don't care.. it is just how I feel..

Right now I am contemplating getting up and going to the kitchen to make something to eat.. I have had some sort of stomach thing going on all week and haven't been able to keep much of anything down . .. but this morning I actually woke up hungry.. hopefully that too is a good sign for the day.. Hey there are banana's in that kitchen.. they are good for me.. and they don't have to be cooked.. sounds like breakfast to me..

Yummmmmm I got my banana.. anyway.. I just thought I would see if by sitting here typing this nonsense above I could get this writing bug out of my ear for a bit.. Didn't work.. but I do have things to do and not enough time to sit here and try to figure out what it is I am supposed to be writing today.. Honey.. you are all up in my head.. see anything in there worth writing about?..

Y'all have fun..

Three

Ok.. this was on my honey's blog.. was just too good to not steal

Three is a Magic Number

Three names you go by:

Tammy
Baby
Mom

Three screen names that you have had:

Tammyjsdaqueen
Squeakyredhead
Troubleshandsful

Three things you like about yourself:

That I make friends easily
That I have love in my life
I have a sense of huimor

Three things you don't like about yourself:

My tendancy to anger
The way I look naked
The inability to trust

Three parts of your heritage:

German on dad's side
Indian (My grandfather was full blooded Cherokee)
Irish.. Explains the temper and hair

Three things that scare you:

Being unloved
Being alone
Spiders

Three of your everyday essentials:

My kids
my love
Big cup of coffee

Three things you are wearing right now:

Denim Skort
Pink Tank top
white thong

Three of your favorite bands or musical artists (@ the moment):

Martina McBride
Trace Adkins
Toby Keith

Three of your favorite songs:

My Daughter's eyes
God's Will
Keeper of the Stars (when Ron sings it)

Three new things you want to try in the next 12 months:

Getting things settled with kids and grandkids
going back to work
writing the book that has been in my head for years

Three things I want in a relationship:

Honesty
Respect
The Chest

Two truths and a lie: (in no particular order)

I love all my children (including step)
I am a CIA operative in deep cover
I love my crazy life

Three physical things that attract you to the opposite sex:

Eyes
Smile
Sense of humor

Three things you can't do without:

Ron
My kids
Coffee

Three of your favorite hobbies:

Writing
Cuddling
Singing

Three places you want to go on vacation:

Sweden
Mt Fugi
Hawaii

Three things you just can't do:

Bowl
not give someone a second , second chance
turn my back on someone I love

Three things you want to do before you die:

Be happy with me
See all of my kids happy and successful
Travel

Three celeb crushes:

Vin Diesel
Tim McGraw
Nick Nolte..

Ok they are not crushes.. but they are just Hot..

A New Step

Well.. It has been a strange couple of days.. I need to write.. I need to blog.. heck I think I need to scream.. I have already cried..

Sierra and Jordan got married yesterday evening.. I know all the practical reasons.. I know they love each other.. I know they have a baby coming.. None of these things makes me stop wishing that she were 6 again and still needed mommy to fix everything..

I want my children to be happy , that is all that I have ever wanted for them.. I have never had hopes that Sierra would be a world class designer.. or Chelsea will be a famous author.. or Kyle will be a world renound scientist.. or that Chris would be a lawyer.. all I have ever wanted is for my children to find happiness in this life.. I don't care what they do for a living ( as long as it is legal) I don't care what political or religious beliefs they hold.. Those are choices that I cannot make for them.. I can only guide them by what I believe in.. and hope that they make the right choices for them.. along this same line of thinking I cannot tell them when or with whom to fall in love..

I didn't want my children to have to struggle the way I have.. I didn't want them to have to scrape along.. but I guess again these are things they have to choose for themselves.. I can only be there to support and help them when they need me..

So in saying all of this I guess I am saying that even though I didn't want Sierra to marry or have children this young.. this is a choice that she has made for her life.. She loves Jordan.. He loves her.. hopefully they remember that love when times are hard , when they are struggling .. and it will sustain the relationship enough to allow them both to grow.. I am not unhappy about my daughters choice in young men.. I am just sad that it was made so soon..

Y'all have fun

Job Hunting Again

Well it is back to the dusty job hunting trail for Jordan.. long story short.. he got hurt.. got drug tested.. needs a new job.. he isn't smoking.. but he did .. and after looking up the test they use it can pick up usage for up to 90 days.. that just doesn't seem fair to me..

Ok.. I am not advocating pot smoking.. I am just saying that if you smoke a month ago and get hurt on the job chances are it isn't because you were high.. ya know.. that would be like saying the 6 pack you drank saturday night caused you to be intoxicated a month later and caused you to have a wreck.. makes no sense.. but hey that is me.. anyway.. we are out and about today hopefully he will find something soon.. I know the kid is trying.. that is why I will take him hunting.. he quits trying.. I quit helping.. he found that out the hard way.. anyway.. time to head out the door.. Y'all have fun..

Hot Hot Hot!!!!!!!!

I have been whining all winter about it being cold.. been wanting it to hurry up and get warm.. I got my wish.. Whewwww it is hot today.. Sierra, Jordan and I went to Nicholasville to see my best friend and to do some yard saleing.. we dang near melted.. it was 91 in Nick Vegas as we Lexintonians affectionatly call that town.. We did have a good time despite the heat..

We got some good bargains.. and found some yard sales where the people think you can get back what you paid originally for things.. Hint.. If you are having a yard sale.. that usually means you want to get rid of the stuff you are selling.. if you have 10 bucks on a dress that you paid 10bucks for.. you ain't gonna get rid of it.. the stuff isn't worth that much.. try again.. get out your little pen and paper.. and mark that DOWN.. geesh..

Sierra is no longer allowed to buy clothing.. This is not my rule.. she imposed this on herself.. she has informed me that she has too many clothes right now.. my thinking is.. yes..she does.. but most of what she has right now will not fit her in a few weeks.. she is getting bigger.. that happens when you are pregnant.. she will find this out.. She has found out already that if you happen to wear a size 0 before you get pregnant, it don't take long to not be wearing it once you are..

Well time to go get the Kyle.. honey.. good luck with the invasion of the 10 yr olds.. Later Y'all

Guys like you!

I was talking to Russ this morning about dating.. women.. single moms.. and he said something that made me think.. he was talking about step parents.. that when he was younger he and his step dad had their issues.. but, as he has gotten older he has realized what a tremendous job his step dad took on in marrying a woman with 2 kids.. got me to thinking..

I have a lot of friends that are single moms.. I was one too for a while.. the dating scene pretty much sucks for single parents .. It is hard enough to juggle working , being a mom or dad.. and having a life of your own without the pressure of dating..

When Ron and I started dating.. My kids at one point decided to collectively lose their little minds.. I was supposed to go out with Ron one night and I called to tell him that I was needed at home and wouldn't be able to go.. his reaction was to suggest he come to my place and watch movies with us.. I guess I didn't realize at the time how unusual that is for a man these days to actually want to be involved with the children of the woman he is dating.. I hear from my single girlfriends all the time that they feel like "dates" want them to choose between going out and being a mom.. I am not saying that we should always stay home and be a mom.. that there aren't times when we need to get away from the kids.. It just seems to me that if a man or woman is going to be in a relationship with a person that has children that they should understand that the kids come first to that person.. just my take on it..

I guess I was just lucky in that Ron is the type of man that understands that.. and accepts it.. and loves my children not because they are mine.. but because of who they are.. there aren't many men out there like that.. based on my conversation with Russ this morning.. there seems to be at least one more out there like my Ron.. Russ.. You ROCK..

ok.. done for today.. y'all have fun

Back to Lazy

Well it seems that my delivery services were not needed today.. I asked my friend yesterday if she thought she would need me.. she told me she didn't know.. and that she would call me.. I told her.. PLEASE call me.. Ok so I guess I sound a little desperate.. I just have really enjoyed working.. I guess I just didn't realize how much I missed making money and being out and about.

Ron was supposed to take the lawnmower to work with him today to get the guys in the auto shop work on it.. I was supposed to remind him and we both forgot.. so he called me around 8:20 or so and asked me if I could bring it to him at school.. the problem was I had no way to load the dang thing.. I can't lift it.. Russ had sent me an email to let me know he was off work today and to let him know if I wanted to get together for coffee.. so I waited til 10 and called him.. he was such a sweetie.. he came over and loaded the thing for me and rode to Winchester with me and Sierra.. we had a good time.. stopped for lunch.. talked .. those sorts of things..

I got to see my honey for about an hr in the middle of the day.. we didn't get to spend much time together.. but it was good to just be near him.. I even got the guys to check out my brakes.. they are ok.. One less worry for me for the trip to FL.. the thing that sucked is that we eventually had to leave.. I love seeing Ron in the middle of the day..but I hate having to leave .. cause I know I am gonna miss him for the rest of the afternoon..

There was one really funny thing that happened while we were there.. There were several of the students that were going totally gaga over Sierra.. she is pregnant.. but isn't showing all that much yet and she is a really beautiful girl.. most of the time she simply doesn't notice when guys are falling all over themselves... she is oblivious to the fact that she is beautiful.. but today it was hard to not notice when the one boy almost broke his neck trying to look at her and show off while driving a riding mower.. I was just hoping the poor kid wouldn't hurt him self..

Anyway.. It is almost time for my honey to get off work and I need to start dinner and finish laundry.. Y'all have fun..

Whewwwwwwwwww

Dang.. who would have thunk it? That delivering flowers would wipe a person out so much.. I am wiped.. Sierra and I did 10 more deliveries today.. after the 2 day marathon of 34 you would think 10 would be a breeze.. Not so.. One thing it is hot out today.. and Lexington traffic.. well lets not even get me started on Lexington traffic.. suffice it to say I wonder each and every day how some of these people not only got licensed in this state but how they manage to survive every day out on the roads..

Anyway.. Sierra and I finished up around 2:30.. grabbed our check and ran like hell before she could give us any more flowers to deliver.. actually she didn't have many more and she asked if we wanted a few .. we turned her down.. I needed to get home to Kyle.. thanks to Jordan he got picked up from school ok..

I love doing something to earn a little money.. Makes me feel like I am doing more than taking around here.. yeah I keep the house.. I take care of the kids mainly.. I cook.. but those things I would be doing if I were working full time still.. For me .. Making this little bit of money gives me back a bit of my self esteem that has been sorely tested in the last year and a half.. I normally know my worth around here.. It is just sometimes I feel that I need to be doing more.. I need to be making money.. paying bills.. all that good stuff..

So.. in saying all of that.. I want to thank Sierra, Chelsea and Ron.. I would not have been able to do my job without them to help.. and I wouldn't feel so good about finally doing something to contribute around here.. I feel more like me than I have in the last yr and a half.. (tired) but a good tired.. a tired from accomplishing something.. dang I think I might need a hobby.. I know I sing.. but that is too much fun to feel like I have done anything.. Oh well .. I am going to take the family out to Ci Ci's pizza for dinner tonight to celebrate.. Y'all have fun..

Lunch is Back

When I first met Ron he organized lunches each week for the chatroom that we frequent.. That is actually how we met.. anywho.. some of the roomies have been asking me if we were going to start having room lunches again so I took the hint and organized a lunch for today.. it went well (if not a little weird being Ronless) we went to friends and company which is one of our favorite restaurants..

There was a good crowd for the most part.. faces I hadn't seen in forever.. thank you Doug, Susan, Bryson, Jim, David, Vickie, Susanky,JimJknight, Janice, Chucky, and Kristen A.K.A Miss why.. was good to see all of you.. we talked about it .. I don't want to do the weekly lunch thing again.. gets expensive and it eventually wears down to just a few people.. what I would like to do is perhaps an every other week lunch.. I brought this up to the gang and they thought it was a great idea.. so we will see what happens..

Ron just called me from work to tell me that he misses me... How sweet is that.. I miss him too... He is always there beside me.. always around me.. even when I spend most of my days running round like a chicken with it's head off.. I still always have time to miss him...I don't think I tell him this often enough.. but I love it when he calls me in the middle of the day.. especially on days when it seems like I can get nothing done and I have been trying to accomplish something all day.. he revives me and gives me a brighter moment in my day.. which brightens my entire outlook..

Well time for Kyle... Have a good day Y'all

Oh Yeah..

For those that read this and have been wondering.. Sierra and baby are doing great.. she is healthy..The baby is growing at the normal rate.. and we have new ultrasound pics.. gonna find out if Ron knows how to put them here on the blog.. her next appt is on the 25th when we are going to confirm that it is ok for her to go to FL with me for a week in June.. Just thought I would update anyone that was interested..

Finally

Today has been a feel bad and getting better day..

The feel bad part is I think I am getting a cold. I don't want to admit that it is a cold I keep telling myself that it is only my allergies.. yeah I know honey...I don't run a fever with my allergies.. but let me have my little illusions please.. geesh..

The getting better part of my day came at about 2pm.. I had just gotten out of the shower when my phone rang.. I got Sierra to answer it.. turns out to be the director of the nursing home where my grandmother is in FL.. He and I sort of had words yesterday.. I want to bring my grandmother up here to be with my mother..

My uncle (whom disapeared for 10 yrs) mysteriously showed up a few months ago and decided that he was going to take over taking care of my grandmother.. he was really only interested in finding out if there was anything to be gained finacially... I think he finally got the message that there is no money.. because as much as he has been fighting me on this.. he finally agreed to let me take care of the situation..

Now it could have been the word or seventy that I had with the director of the nursing home yesterday.. I was originally the person responsible for my grandmother's care.. until my uncle showed up out of the blue and declaired himself to be in charge.. I informed the director that my brother and I both want what is in the best interest of our grandmother and that we are willing to fight to get that... Today.. he was all pleasantries and niceties..

Hmmm I am thinking that my educated redneck approach to some things is sometimes exactly what certain situations call for..I don't really care what the reasons are behind this sudden change of attitude on both my uncle's and the director's part.. all I care about is that I can get my grandmother in June.. I have already started the paperwork to get her in the same facility that my mother is in.. I think it will be wonderful to have them both here where family can visit and where I can go get them and take them shopping or to dinner.. and they will have each other while they are there.. My grandmother will be 92 this August.. I have the honor of sharing her birthday.. I am already looking forward to this year's celebration.. with her and my mom..

Y'all have fun..

Strength

There have been so many things in my head as of late that I have not been able to vocalize, write, or other wise deal with.. Perhaps I can put it all together now and get it gone..

The first and foremost thing on my mind right now is Ron.. he hasn't been himself lately and I don't know what to do to fix it.. I am a fixer.. I fix people.. that is what I do that is what I have always done..

When someone I love hurts, grieves, loses.. I always seem to be able to help them fix themselves.. I don't see this as anything special.. It is just what I do.. I honestly cannot remember a time in my life that I didn't want to fix everything and everyone..

Then there is me.. I have never been able to fix myself.. Right now with my wrist the way it is.. the inability to work.. the depression that comes with that.. I don't even feel like I am taking care of myself. This is a hard pill for me to swallow... I know I have Ron to lean on.. I know he is there.. but for me.. I have never needed anyone.. I have never trusted anyone.. therefore feeling the way that I do it is difficult for me to admit how much he takes care of me without telling myself that I am not taking care of me..

Then there are the kids.. I am worried sick about my son Christopher.. He is in FL and he isn't doing any better there than he was here.. I know he is technically an adult.. but he is still my child, my heart, my blood.. I don't care how old he is, he will always be these things.. Then there is Sierra's pregnancy, which is going fine but I still can't help but worry about her physical well being.. her future..the baby.. finances.. you know the usual.... Chelsea and Kyle don't pose much worry right now.. they are both doing fairly well in school.. Kyle moreso than Chelsea.. but, at the moment there are no major issues with the two of them...

Then there is the matter of my Ex.. he makes me nuts.. I don't want my kids to lose their relationship with him.. he is their father.. I want them to know that they can count on him too.. and he seems to think that because he misses his kids so much, he can't keep in contact with them because it hurts him too much.. I have tried to explain to him what he puts our children through is worse than any pain he might suffer because when he doesn't call, they see it as Daddy doesn't care.. but either he is too blind or too immature to see that..

Ron is good to my kids.. I know he loves them.. he has never tried to take the role of "daddy" away from my ex.. and never would.. but for the kids.. Ronnie not calling.. not being there for them makes them distrustful of all father figures.. here in lies one major problem around here..

Ron has a different parenting style than mine.. I am rather laid back.. I disclipline differently.. On the whole we are just different.. that is neither a good thing or a bad thing.. it is just a thing, and when the kids see the difference they naturally "side" with me.. and the last thing I want is little opposing camps all over the place..

There are times when I don't want to deal with all of this.. I go find a book and hide.. I know that Ron is there.. I know that one word from me .. he would hold me and let me know that it is ok.. but I can't bring myself to ask.. I have to be strong.. I have to be tough.. I don't want to lose that part of me because if I do.. I am afraid there will be nothing of me left.. I don't know how to be anything else.. so therein lies one of the most fundemental problems.. I know how to be there for those that I love.. I know how to take care of everyone.. I know how to help them heal.. I can be as strong as I need to be for as long as I need to be as long as someone I love needs me to be.. but I cannot be weak for me for any reason.. I can't let someone else be strong for me.. I simply don't know how..