Walls

Have you ever felt like the walls are closing in.. that you are so tied in knots about the things you want to do vs. the things you can do that you feel walled in by your own thought processes..

That is me lately.. Right now.. I feel like the house has shrunk about 3 sizes smaller than it was originally...I have this pressure bearing down on me. I feel like I have to get a job soon.. I have to start doing something with my life.. I have to start helping Ron more financially. I have to clean more.. I have to make things perfect around here.. Nothing I do feels like enough .. at least not to me.. no one else has made me feel this way.. no one else has even hinted that I am not doing all I can do right now.. this is all in my head.. I know that.. doesn't make it any better tho.. doesn't make it go away..

I have always been a perfectionist.. mostly because I was always afraid that I wasn't good enough for anyone or anything that I did wasn't good enough.... I don't feel that way anymore.. I know I am good enough ( thank you honey) I know that I can only do so much.. I just haven't ever been very good at limitations.. they piss me off..

I guess that is part of it.. I am pissed off at most of the world right now..I am pissed that I hurt.. I am pissed that I can't hide my pain better than I do.. I am pissed that this stupidity is keeping me from doing things I want to do and making me afraid that I won't be able to do them anytime in the near future.... I hate self pity.. I hate whining.. and lately I feel like I define the word "whiner"..

Well.. ok.. venting over.. that feels better.. There are so many wonderful things in my life.. I am blessed more than I ever imagined I would be.. I am thankful for all the things in my life that make me feel blessed.. I just get so frustrated.. OMG.. I told Ron last night he is human.. you don't supposed this makes me one of those humans too do ya?.. oh well .. gotta get kyle..

Y'all have fun