Slow Down .. Take a Deep Breath

Whewwwwwww.. It has sorta been the week from hell.. Sunday our beautiful, sweet, goofy Malcolm died.. It broke my heart.. he died in my arms.. I did everything as did Ron that we could think of to save him.. poor guy just couldn't hold on.. I personally think he may have had an underlying health problem that we weren't aware of.. but thinking that doesn't help when I look around the house and he isn't here.. I miss the big guy...I really loved that goofball.. He will be missed for a long time..

His passing put a down note on the rest of the week.. I have been packing a lot.. not much fun under the best of circumstances let alone when you start off the week grieving..

Right now there are close to 50 boxes stacked in various places around the house.. I didn't know we had this much stuff.. good lord I think we are way over due for a huge-mongous yard sale.. There is still the bathroom and the kids room left to pack along with all the stuff we are still using .. I don't remember us having all this when we moved in and I know we haven't shopped that much.. Me? shop? buy things we don't need and put them in places where I will forget we have them until moving time? .. Nah...

Then there has been the car drama.. Sierra and Jordan bought a car from another set of our kids and son in law.. we have been most of the week trying to help them get it legal and all that happy horse manure.. today was supposed to be the day.. we got all the necessary items together got them signed.. rushed down to the tag office.. only to find out there was one more place the title needed to be signed.. oh well there is always Monday...

The house.. oh hell I don't even want to talk about the house.. I know things happen for a reason.. but I was so ready to get this over with.. It will take me the next month to get unpacked.. and somewhere in there Ron will be going back to work.. the kids need to get school supplies and clothes.. and registered in school.. I just didn't want to have to do all of it at the same time.. I'll live.. just needed to vent a little..

Ron is now out in his truck waiting on me to get my skinny lil butt out there so we can sing.. so I guess I will do just that..

Y'all have fun..

The House.. The Toe.. The Lack of Sleep

Whew.. it has been one of those days.. Nothing bad.. just long and tiring on 4 hrs sleep.. Ron and I couldn't sleep last night.. well I tried to sleep..but my poor honey kept tossing and turning.. and then he tried turning and tossing.. and when those didn't work he tried flipping and flopping.. all to no avail.. and in a waterbed the other person feels every movement .. I am usually the tosser and turner in the bed.. I don't know how the poor man sleeps with me every night..

I am at least more comfy in the bed now days.. the boot cast came off Friday.. wooohooo.. I now have a smaller more streamlined looking shoe cast.. The doc told me I can work my way back into my regular shoes over time.. but no 4 inch heels.. I told her.. but those are my regular shoes.. and she still wants to do surgery on the toe and put a steel pin and plate in there.. I just need to find 8 weeks that I can be off my feet.. I am thinking this surgery will be scheduled somewhere around half past never..

The house thing is moving right along.. Ron signed the loan papers tonight to sign away the next 30 yrs of his life.. I didn't have to sign them .. thanks to my ex my credit sux.. so .. we just did it in his name.. which is fine with me.. you know the whole what is his is mine and what is mine is mine thing.. just kidding..

I think I am gonna get off here and get naked.. and.. go my happy butt to sleep..

Y'all have fun..

I Haven't Disappeared.. Honest..

I know some of y'all might have thought I really had disappeared this time.. heck..some of ya might have even hoped it.. no such luck.. I am still around.. I just haven't had much blog time lately.. There has been toe business, house business, kid business and most of all Ron business.. When my sweet honey is at home.. I don't get online much... partially because I usually just don't care to.. and partially because my wonderful hubby is a COMPUTER HOG.. oh.. sorry did I shout?.. anyway.. I digress..

The toe news really isn't news.. I am still in this boot thingy at least until Friday.. hopefully it will come off then.. this thing is making me truely crazy.. It is heavy, hot and annoying to keep on all the time.. and the small cast I have for night time simply isn't comfortable..Ron fixed it for me so that I can at least wear it.. when the lady made the dang thing she had it going all the way up to the bend in the back of my knee.. I couldn't even bend my leg and the thing was scratchy.. Ron cut about 4 inches off of it and smoothed the edges for me.. ain't he a sweety..

The house thing is moving right along and with any luck I will be unpacking boxes in our new house by the end of the month.. closing is set for July 28th.. the home and termite inspection is complete.. we are waiting for a response from the owner on the things that the inspector says need to be done in the house..things like termite treatment..(non negotiable).. the faucet in the bathtub for the hot water ... again .. (non negotiable) .. the insulation that isn't up to what it is supposed to be.. and a few other minor things that while are not deal breakers are negotiation points.. I can't wait to get in there and out of Lexington..

Kid business has just been the usually running around doing this that and the other thing.. Chris work .. Chella spending the night 2 counties over and having to go get her.. then her and J having issues.. those sorts of kid business things..

The Ron business has just been that he has been home for the last 2 weeks.. I have gotten to spend most all of the day with him.. Yep.. I am spoiled now.. and he is back at work this week.. how much does that suck.. I will have to get used to him being back at work again.. but it is only for a week this time then I have him at home for another 2 weeks before he goes back for the school year.. that will be another 2 weeks of spoiling.. and oh yeah.. COMPUTER HOGGING.. by him.. oops there I go again.. yelling.. well my honey just walked in the door so I think I will get off here and spend sometime with him.. and turn over the puter of course..

Y'all have fun..

What Happened to This Week???

It has been one of those weeks that you can't decide if you have really done anything or not.. I know I must have accomplished something this week.. but I'll be danged if I can remember what it was.. Ron has been home all week.. that tends to make me a bit lazy.. yeah let's see.. clean house or cuddle for as long as possible in the bed with my sexy hubby.. tough choice eh?.. there has been the usual amount of running Chris back and forth to and from work.. and the normal Chella drama..nothing major.. just the whole "I'm bored " thing that all teenagers do.. I did go to the Dr. last friday for my toe.. he tells me I am going to be in this boot cast thing for "AT LEAST" 3 more weeks.. then the fun will begin.. I have a bone spur on this toe and severe arthritis in the joint.. he compared my toe to that of an 80 yr old woman.. how's that for an ego boost.. anyway.. I have to have this bone spur removed.. it has been there for a long time and yeah from time to time has given me some trouble.. but with this break and the arthritis it is only getting worse so it is time to shave the dang thing off with a bone shaver.. doesn't that sound pleasant? All this really means is that I will be in a cast for most of the summer.. including during the time we are moving into our house.. should be lots of fun..

Oh yeah.. great news on the house.. we accepted the counter offer on the house.. the paperwork is in the process.. hopefully we will be moved in and able to relax a bit before Ron and the kids go back to school.. we, well I am planning a huge housewarming party.. as soon as possible after we move in and get organized.. should be a blast.. I actually have the menu planned..ok so I like to plan ahead..

Chris has a court date today at one.. the good news is this should be one of those in and out type things.. the bad news is it never works out that way.. also Ron will have to drive today.. I can't drive his truck with my boot cast on and my poor lil Camaro is ill.. starter went out on it yesterday at Taco Bell.. I stopped for Sierra to pick up dinner from Jordan .. turned the car off.. and when I got back in it.. Nuttin.. just nuttin.. I called Ron .. he called his brother in law.. the mechanic.. he came to meet me in the parking lot of Taco Bell.. and tells me.. Yep.. it's the starter.. being a stick shift we push started it so I could get home.. The brother in law will be here Sunday to get my baby back on the road for me.. but until then if I want to go anywhere I have to get Ron to take me.. not that I have a problem going anywhere with Ron.. I am just way independent and it makes me a bit nuts to not be able to drive myself.. oh well it is only til Sunday..

Well I guess I better go look for "Court Clothes" y'all have fun..

Words

Something kept repeating in my head last night as I tried to go to sleep.. so I thought I would share .. nothing like keeping your friends awake too.. anyway..

What was on my mind was the power of our words.. words can have such an impact on people .. they can bring a smile to someone needing one.. they can brighten the day of a total stranger.. they can convey the love one feels for another whether that love be platonic, parental, or to the one you share your life with.. they can be a positive influence on the world at large.. I personally choose to think that is why we were given the gift of verbalization and the ability to translate that into the written word..

Words can also be used to hurt, demean, attempt to embarass, and for all sorts of negative influences on our world.. while most of us can dismiss the people that say words or write them for evil intent this is not the worst way words can be used as a weapon.. the worst way to me is for someone to take the innocent or non hurtful words of another and twist them to suit some personal agenda.. it demeans not only the person they are trying to hurt but themselves, this perversion of words more often than not causes not the furtherment of their agenda but the distruction of their own hearts eventually.. It is often hard to dissociate the person twisting the words from their actions and they become the object of anger, pity and ridicule themselves..

I have heard the expression of something being a double edged sword many times in my life.. I find this to be especially true in the case of words.. be careful how you use them.. try to use them for good... If you don't or if you twist the words of another the only person you will be cutting with your sword is yourself..

Just my take on words .. now that is out of my head.. I think I'll take a nap.. Y'all have fun

Water Wars on The Way

Ok... It is 4 days and counting.. that is until the annual picnic of a non profit group that Ron and I are a part of.. This thing is an EVENT.. there are water guns.. food.. fun.. and did I mention water guns.. It has now become a team on team thing.. I can't wait... Last year "K" had this water bazooka.. I mean this thing shot about a gallon of water at a time.. and he could reload at a moments notice.. this year.. "K" is mine.. I am bringing water guns.. but if all else fails.. there will be a garden hose in the back of the truck.. It is a lot of fun..I am trying to convince them that I have a handicap this year.. but they aren't going for the broken toe excuse.. It really is broken guys.. I am not wearing this cast to make a statement...Hopefully by Saturday I won't be wearing this thing at all .. I go back to the Dr. on Friday.. He said if it was healing he would take me out of it.. I am thinking I might just hold on to it to take to the picnic..

In other news.. My baby is in FL and I am going through Kyle withdrawls.. there are times when that boy is home that you can't help but wish for duct tape.. but he is the sweetest little thing for the most part.. he will do anything you ask of him.. he loves everyone.. he loves to give hugs and if you are someone he happens to love.. you will receive many hugs a day.. who wouldn't miss that.. I don't know how I am gonna make it through the next 4 and a half weeks without my lil guy.. I will say that it is somewhat easier with Chelsea still home.. she is a great kid.. she has her moments when I question why teenagers exist at all but for the most part.. she is a blast to hang out with and is one of my best friends.. I don't think it is a problem being friends with your kids as long as they still understand you are a friend that can and will ground them .. Sierra lives close by so I get to spend time with her when she isn't working and of course I get to see Chris every day.. I am lucky to have my kids so close.. I enjoy their company.. In fact on of my favorite days of the year is Thanksgiving.. we have a long tradition of having everyone from youngest to oldest tell what they are thankful for.. I look forward to all the work of cooking for all those people every year just because it gets them all under our roof at the same time.. But none of this is helping me not miss my Kyle.. dangit

My mom in law and helper have gotten the apartment upstairs just about ready to rent out again.. I wonder what kinda neighbors we are gonna get this time.. that is one benefit of the landlord being your parent's in law.. you get a say so in picking the tenants.. you would think this would be a good thing.. and it usually is .. until the last ones we had.. hopefully we will be able to get our house soon and that will no longer be a concern..

Well.. I have procrastinated long enough.. I have housework to do.. I have found out one thing that Kyle not being here has changed.. the amount of housework I have to do.. I think the child has been following along behind me messing things up.. My house has stayed pretty much clutter free since he has been gone.. hmmm I guess he took "not me" with him..

Y'all have fun

Just Say No.. To Drama

I swear sometimes the drama level around here could give soap opera writers material for the next century.. This weekend my ex came up here from FL to pick up the kids and take them home with him for 5 weeks.. that sounds simple enough doesn't it.. a dad picking up his kids.. taking them to the 3rd or 4th (i can't remember) wedding of his 35 yr old sister.. then taking them out to dinner and bowling and back to his brothers house for the night before heading back to FL today.. ok.. yeah... nothing is ever simple where that man is concerned.. ( well there is his mind) ..

The ex picked up the kids yesterday afternoon..Ron and I spent a fairly eventful / uneventful day dealing first with Sierra and Jordan doing their usual sniping and arguing with each other.. then they left and Ron and I were blessedly alone for much of the late afternoon and early evening.. We went out around 8 to do some serious Karaoking.. we had a great time at Todd's Karaoke ( one of our favorite haunts) we each sang 4 or 5 songs (can't remember that either) we left there about 11:30 or so... we got home, Ron was on the computer doing whatever and I was wondering around the house making coffee and such when my phone rang.. It was a hysterical Chelsea, crying and asking me to come get her at her uncle's house.. I asked what was wrong.. she just pleaded for me to come get her.. Ron and I got in the truck and picked her up.. his house is only 5 minutes from ours..Chelsea got in and through tears and trying to calm down she told us what happened.. apparently the ex's wife was late getting back from her daughter's house and when she did come in he started accusing her of screwing around on him and being with other men and so forth.. Chelsea saw that her father was in a state of anger and was approaching his wife that way, she thought that he was going to hit her so she stepped in the middle of it.. then her dad started telling Chelsea that she was taking "L's" side of things, he asked Chella if she wanted to go home.. when she replied that she did .. he got pissed at her and wanted to know why all his kids left him.. she told him that he is the one that chose to move to FL and demanded to know why.. he told her that he would tell her when she was older.. she pressed him on it and he finally told her that he moved because she lived with Ron and I.. this isn't exactly true but, the truth isn't something he is really all that familiar with when it doesnt' suit him.. finally she asked to use his wife's phone and called us to come get her..

When Ronnie and I were married.. it was common for him to accuse me of cheating on him.. if I was 5 minutes late getting home from anywhere, If I took a shower when he wasn't home.. if I wore makeup when he wasn't around me.. If I wore certain clothes and so on and so on.. he was also physically abusive.. but mostly it was the never ending mental and emotional abuse that finally caused me to walk out on him.. I had to get me and my kids out of that situation before he either killed me and my kids would have been left with him.. or he turned my boys into him and my girls into woman that thought all women were whores and should be treated the way their father treated me..

Today when Ronnie came to bring Kyle so he could get his clothes and such.. he asked if Chella was still going with him to FL.. I told her ( at her request) that she had decided she didn't want to go and have to listen to that anymore.. that she had heard enough of that sort of thing growing up.. that got him going on one of his usual bullshit trips .. he first tried the.."it was just an argument thing" not knowing Chella had told me all of it.. I responded with " no it wasn't it was you treating "L" the way you treated me" he said .." I guess you and Ron don't argue" to which I said " In fact we don't" that took the wind out of those sails.. then he tried the poor pitiful me routine.. saying that his kids don't want to be with him.. I told him to take me to court to change it.. he is the one that sat in the judge's chambers and told the judge to " let her have the kids" .. when that didn't work he went to accusations.. nothing I hadn't heard before.. that I was unfaithful to him ( I wasn't).. that I didn't treat him right.. yeah yeah yeah.. when nothing worked for him he decided to call me a whore.. that got him booted off my porch.. Meanwhile Ron had Kyle in the house explaining to him what the problem was and giving him the same option to go or not go.. he chose to go.. that is fine.. Ronnie won't act as much a fool with him there.. he still sees Kyle as a baby and won't go psycho when he is around.. don't ask .. it is a strange thing with him.. but he is just like that.. anyway.. after they left.. we had a pretty much lazy day.. I did my nails and thought a lot..

Last night took me instantly back to a place I fought so hard to get away from.. I have at times felt so guilty about walking out on 18 yrs and breaking up my childrens family.. but, I know every day that I am loved by Ron.. that I did the right thing.. I know I should have done it sooner.. but I look at the reason I didn't do it sooner as that I was supposed to meet Ron and that may not have happened unless I did it when I did it.. ok.. so I look at things a bit differently.. so what.. I am a bit different to begin with.. I will worry about Kyle the entire time he is down there.. I will miss his sweet little face and his voice.. and in 5 weeks I will break the land speed record to go get my baby.. We did tell Kyle that if his dad starts the same old crap and it scares him or he just doesn't want to hear it.. all he has to do is call.. and we will be there as soon as possible to get him.. I think knowing that made it ok for him to make his decision..

My kids have for the most part a good relationship with their dad.. the older ones remember the things he said and did to me... that was between he and I.. he was a good dad to them.. I want them to have a good relationship with him.. and unless I think there is a threat to them I will continue to allow them to make the decisions regarding the time they spend with him.. I won't tell them what to do with their relationship with him... I can't.. I don't want to run the risk of influencing them with my feelings about him.. I won't poison them against their father.. he can do that all by himself..

Well now that I have all that off my chest I think I will go lay my head on Ron's chest and watch the 4400.. y'all have fun..

My Side..

I don't want to drag out the drama around here any more.. I am not posting this to piss anyone off or to continue what has turned out to be a dramatic mess and a hell of a lot of hurt and heartache.. but, this blog..this writing is my way of getting things out of my system.. my way of putting down on cyber paper the things that are going through my head.. It allows me to put things in perspective.. so that being said.. here goes

When all of the drama started about buying our house.. ( check out TroubledRamblings.blogspot.com for details) I was dumbfounded.. I couldn't believe that a woman who owns her own business, lives in a beautiful home, and has everything going for her would deny her ex husband, the father of her children , a man she lived with for 20 years..the access to 2 pieces of paper that would allow him to buy a home of his own.. I couldn't imagine that it would be such a personal issue for her to allow Ron and I to go after our american dream.. It is difficult for me to understand people that allow the past to rule their lives and hang on to all the hurt, and forget the wonderful.. Then the kids started to get involved.. It amazed me how much of Ron and his ex's life together was known (if not accurate) by his children..There was no other way for them to have some of the information they thought they had without being told these things.. and I knew Ron was not the one that had told them..

My children know some details of the personal relationship their dad and I had because they saw it.. My ex was verbally, mentally and physically abusive to me.. they saw that.. even still I would never ever try to poison my children against their father. There are things that happened in my first marriage that I would never tell my children.. first they don't need to know.. second the telling of these things could alter the way they feel about their dad.. and I don't want that.. My ex does enough on his own to alienate himself from his kids.. he doesn't need me helping him.. I think what my point is here is that while R was not a wonderful husband.. for the most part he was a wonderful dad.. what happened between he and I should stay between he and I.. All the children need to know is how he relates to them.. what kind of father he is to them.. not what kind of husband he was to me..

One of the first things Ron and I talked about when we realized that our relationship was going to be a long term serious relationship was the fact that he and I both came as a package deal.. we both had lives, loves, a past.. and we both had children that were the center of who we are.. and we discussed the fact that in order to blend these two families and 7 children that we would have to understand.. by loving the parent we would have to accept and grow to love the children..we both did that.. Ron adores my kids.. he is a wonderful father and friend to them.. and I couldn't love his girls more if I had given birth to them myself.. this situation with his ex and now with his daughters is tearing me apart.. I hate to hear and read the venom in the e mails 2 of them have sent.. and the phone calls they have made.. I hated sitting at a restaurant Friday night with 2 of his daughters and one of them totally ignoring her father.. I hate the fact that his ex is such an unhappy, bitter person that she would even poison her daughters against their father to try and prevent his being happy.. I guess I am just not made that way..

I would love for his daughters to sit down with him and allow him the luxury of telling his side of the story.. since they are already involved in this whole thing. I think it would be the right thing to do.. to allow Ron to speak.. instead of hurling hateful accusations at him which he has to defend.. It would be so much easier to sit down and discuss matters and then having both sides of the story make a decision as to what really happened in that relationship..

I know a lot about Ron's past.. he was, from the beginning of our relationship open and honest with me about things that had happened in his past.. He has tried to convince me that at one time he was not the wonderful, loving , sensitive man that I fell in love with.. He insists that he wasn't the person he is now.. that may be true.. (hard to believe)..but to me, all that matters is the person I have known and loved for the last 4 years.. a man that is a wonderful, devoted husband, a great friend, a good son... and a loving, supportive father.. I can't believe he became this person overnight.. that he was magically transformed into the man he is today.. I believe that yes, he did have issues years ago and was man enough to realize it and work on himself to become who he is.. and that he has always been the man I fell in love with inside..

I see the hurt in Ron's eyes when he has talked to his daughters on the phone and they are spewing venom at him.. I see the hurt when he opens an email from one of them and they are calling him names and still hurling accusations and intentionally trying to hurt him.. guess what ladies.. it worked.. you have broken your father's heart.. I love Ron's girls with all my heart.. but I cannot stand the pain I feel everytime I see him like this.. If I could take his pain and bear it myself I would.. He puts on his beautiful smile and tells me he is ok.. but there is something I told him a long time ago.. Honey.. even wearing shades.. your eyes tell me everything I need to know.. I will stand beside Ron.. I will be here no matter what happens in all of this.. I am hoping and praying with all of my soul that what has happened here can be repaired and that his daughters don't listen to all of the poison to the point they step out of our lives and deny themselves and their children the lifetime of love and support that Ron and I want to give to them and the opportunity for a happy future as a wonderful blended family..

I think I am all out of words now.. time to dry my eyes and go about my day.. Girls.. I know you read my blog and I know you have my number.. we are still going to be here.. always..

Y'all have fun

Fashion Statement

Well.. It is broken.. that's right.. My big toe on my right foot is broken in two places.. one break on each side of the joint.. how much fun can one woman have..

A few weeks ago I wrote about Chris totaling his car and dang near totaling me.. well as a result of that accident I now have a new shoe.. it is about two foot tall and about eight inches wide, complete with many velcro straps and an air pump to keep pressure on the foot to immobilize it.. oh yeah it is that beautiful shade of medical navy blue.. can ya beat that for accessorizing?..

What happened was.. right after the wreck, my foot hurt.. I thought I had just jammed my toe by trying diligently to hit the brakes on the passenger side of Chris' car..that didn't work.. So hardheaded me I think ok.. it will go away.. I continued on with my daily thing.. Running Chris back and forth to work.. doing housework.. shopping.. oh yeah and shampooing the carpets in the house.. The toe never got better.. in fact the more I did.. the worse it hurt.. finally last Wednesday I went to the dr.. He sent me for an X-Ray, after saying repeatedly.. " I believe you have broken it".. anyway.. Thursday morning the Dr. called me.. he tells me " Not only is it broken .. It is broken in two places.. we need to get you in to an Ortho NOW!!!!".. the dr. had his secretary set up an appointment for me.. 9:30 Friday morning.. which might I add was an hr and a half before Chris was due to take his drivers test for the second time.. The new Dr. tells me I have a choice.. I can go with the beautiful air boot cast I have now or the traditional plaster cast.. I chose this thing.. I can at least take it off to bathe and sleep.. ok.. so I am not supposed to take it off to sleep.. I don't see this as a problem.. I am not walking in my sleep so there is no danger of me repeatedly re breaking the toe like I had been doing prior to the going to the dr.. I am just sleeping.. I hobble out to Ron's truck to take Chris to his appt.. wouldn't you know it.. this thing on my foot is too wide for me to drive the Bravada.. how much does that suck?.. so.. Chris wound up driving us to his drivers test appointment.. which he failed.. We later met up with Ron.. who took over all driving of the Brevada.. I can drive my car ok.. the Camaro makes you sort of recline to drive and the space between the brake and the gas pedal is wider so I can get this thing on the gas without driving like the rest of the folks around here and riding the brake..

I am now hobbling around .. I can only wear skirts comfortably.. and while I don't mind skirts.. I am not a girly girl type.. so a full 6 weeks wearing nothing but dresses or skirts isn't gonna work for me.. I can wear pants.. but it is a pain to get them on and off.. I have to take this boot off and on every time.. and that is an exercise in velcro strapping , wrapping and air pumping that I would rather undertake as little as possible..

Today I am planning to do not much of anything.. I try to stay off of this foot as much as I can.. If I don't.. I pay for it by mid evening.. of course there is always the Lortab to take the pain away.. or at least make me not care if I have pain.. but I can't drive on drugs.. hmm thinking.. trying to remember what gear to put the car in and exactly where is that clutch thingy anyway.. nope.. not a good plan to drive stoned..

Well I think I am gonna get off here and hobble over to the couch for a morning of riveting television.. or a nap.. which is often the result of riveting morning television for me.. Y'all have fun..

Five Things..

Ok.. I have been away a while.. just really haven't had time to blog.. I have been busy worrying about my honey's hand and doing all the usual running.. and worrying .. you get the picture.. anyway.. Ron is gone to a class today.. he will at least be close to home all week.. this is a good thing... I know I won't be able to be with him but at least I know he is just down the street..sounds strange I know.. but oh well who said I was normal?..

My mother in law is here today.. she is cleaning upstairs and the back yard.. I love my mother in law.. don't get me wrong.. but there are times when I wonder where Ron came from.. both of his parents can be obsessive about things.. he isn't like that at all.. I am.. he isn't.. anyway.. I would love to be helping her but my wrist has decided that anything above normal cleaning is simply not going to happen today or any time in the near future.. I think it is only hurting like this because Ron's poor hand has been getting all the attention lately and it felt left out.. just my opinion..

This weekend is Heather's graduation.. that is the youngest of Ron's girls.. should be a good time.. I can't wait to see her walk across the stage and get her diploma.. even tho I didn't give birth to her I will be there smiling proudly as any other mom.. Next weekend is the one I am looking forward to and not looking forward to.. My ex will be here to take the kids to FL for a month.. that is so gonna suck and be great all at the same time.. I know I can use a break and it will be great to have some alone time with my honey.. but I know me.. after about a week I will be heartbroken and wanting my kids back.. I always wanted to be a mom.. I can't stand being away from my kids for too long.. I know the rest of them will still be around..I just have a hard time when I can't see, touch, kiss good night my kids.. just who I am.. anyway.. this isn't exactly what I had in mind when I started typing this.. Retro has the 5 things thing going on with her blog and I had every intention of responding with my own 5 things .. so.. here goes girl..


FIVE ITEMS
Five Items in my Fridge:
Dave's insanity hot sauce.. 5 drops of this thing on a whole chicken will clear your sinuses
Hunts Snack Pack - applesauce for Kyle
2 percent milk
About 5 different types of hot sauce.. can you tell we like spicy?
Protein Shake.. I have to drink them every day since my gastric bypass.. I would rather drink mud.. but at least they keep me alive.. alive is good

Five Items in my Closet:
About 20 pair of my shoes.. ok.. there I said it.. I have a shoe addiction..
3 pair of Ron's shoes
Lots of Clothes….this is where Ron beats me.. he has 3 times as many clothes as I do
A briefcase.. I don't know what is in that.. don't think I want to
A laptop.. hmm imagine me finding a computer in my closet.. we only have 6 pcs and 4 laptops in our house.
Five Items in my Car:
CD Case with about 15 Cd’s.
Chella's clothes
A gas can.. not that I would run out of gas on a long country road or anything like that
Coupons in my glove box.. I keep getting them every time I buy my diet Dew they keep going in the glove box.. one of these days they are gonna take over the car..
Two empty cigarette boxes and 2 empty pop bottles.. believe me that is clean for a car of mine.

Five Items in my Purse:
12 shades of lipstick at least
A spark plug gap gage.. never know when you might have to change plugs
Orange scented lotion.. I have the dryest hands on the planet.
This old cosmetics bag with a ziplock bag of letters, poems, pictures from and of Ron..
Lots of basic junk.. my purse weighs about 10lbs.. I only wish I were kidding.. It seems like when each child was born the purse got bigger.. now that they are all big enough to carry their own junk I don't think I can make the transition back to a normal sized purse..

Ok .. so there ya have it.. 5 things.. oh yeah.. I also got my hair styled today.. not cut.. the length is still there.. I just got a lot of the bulk cut out..

well mom in law wants me.. Y'all have fun

3 Day Weekend and Other Stuff

Whew it has been a bit of a busy week .. Tuesday night was Chella's 8th grade graduation.. ok .. I am thinking.. this shouldn't be too bad.. give them a few awards.. tell them they passed .. let the kids go to the dance and the parents go home.. Right? Wrong!!!.. this turned out to be a 2 hr EVENT.. there was a 20 minute speech about memories of all the times in school.. ok.. this is middle school.. then there was an hour long awards ceremony .. complete with children in evening attire.. I swear I saw 2 boys in tuxedos and 5 or 6 girls in 200 dollar evening gowns.. then there was the Class of 06 song to be played and sung by the chorus.. then the principal made a speech about the children moving on to real life.. Ummm excuse me.. they are going to HS.. when did HS become real life?.. I swear they were acting like these kids were going out into the world, getting jobs, and starting families.. I'm confused.. when did we decide that celebrating every milestone in a child's academic career had to be a big affair?.. What do these kids have to look forward to with HS graduation if everything is made such a special event?... Kindergarten here have ceremonies complete with cap and gown.. what the hell is that about.. I am not saying we shouldn't recognize accomplishments.. but does everything have to get so blown out of proportion for kids to feel that they have done something? I personally think we are creating a generation of people that won't have any incentive to do anything because everything has been turned into such a big deal that nothing seems worth putting effort into.. just my take..

Wednesday was great.. I went to Ron's school and hung out all day.. we didn't talk a lot. He had work to do and I read an entire book almost completely uninterrupted.. it was great.. I love just being in the same place with Ron.. being able to look up over my book and see him there is enough for me..

Yesterday we went to Rockcastle County.. Ron had a class.. and I had my debit card for shopping.. I got some great clothes for me.. a pair of jeans and a shirt for Ron.. Kyle got a couple of toys.. and Chella got a notebook and some clothes.. then we went back and waited about 45 mins for Ron to get out of class.. we drove home and Ron and I took a short nap until Chris called for us to pick him up from work.. It was a great day overall.. I got to spend time with the kids and Ron as well as going out spending money.. that is a good day.. just kidding.. I am not a big spender.. I just have a slight thrift store, yard sale addiction.. I can't help myself..

I woke up with a major headache this morning so my sweet honey went to pick up Chris for work and I stayed home on the couch with a bottle of advil.. I am starting to feel better now.. I don't know how long my headache will stay gone though.. Kyle's best friend Caimon just knocked on the door and he is not a quiet child.. oh well.. I am gonna get off here and rest for a bit until it is time for me to take Ron lunch.. should be a good day.. we have a somewhat busy weekend scheduled.. singing, dinners, oh and a Preschool Graduation party for our granddaughter.. who would have figured?.. anyway.. I'm gone..

Y'all have fun

Playing Catchup

Not that there is a lot to catch up on but here goes... I have finally mostly recovered from my adventures in riding with Chris.. My shoulder is still a bit sore and my foot still hurts if I stand on it for too long.. but otherwise I think I'm gonna live.. Chelsea seems to be over most of her whiplash too.. well at least the painful part... It is gonna be a long while before I ride with that boy driving again..

The weekend was good.. quiet and at home for the most part.. we had plans for Saturday and Saturday night but due to an ill vehicle and general tiredness on our part and the lack of a return phone call on Jesse's part we didn't do any of the things we planned.. we just sat home mostly and watched tv.. that is not a bad thing.. but by yesterday I was getting a bit stir crazy being mostly in the house all weekend so I decided to go shopping for Chelsea an outfit to wear to her 8th grade graduation tomorrow.. oh yeah tomorrow is the last day of school.. wooo ohoooooooo.. anyway.. after the trip to WalMart.. Ron and I drove out to the airport to pick up the vehicle Ron rented to drive to work today and tomorrow due to the illness in his Bravada (fuel pump)..He got a Chevy HHR.. that thing is cool to look at and has all sorts of gizmos but it isn't the most comfortable thing to ride in there was a something poking me in the rear end the whole trip last night.. oh yeah we had to go out and take the kids for a ride in the thing so they could say they got to ride in it.. you know how kids are.. did I mention I WILL drive this thing before we take it back..

Chelsea went to school today and got sent home.. she is in a special accelerated program and didn't participate in the regular 8th grade activities much.. the 8th grade went on a field trip.. she was not given a permission slip for this trip due to her schedule not being that of the rest of the 8th grade.. she didn't mind.. she got to come home .. She is now upstairs cleaning the apartment that Pete and Angie moved out of.. yeah of course they left a mess.. not that I didn't expect them to ya know.. anyway.. I am thinking Chelsea may have prefered to stay in school if she had known I was gonna put her to work..

Well I have my honey in my right ear.. and I need to go check on the Chella... Oh yeah.. Check out my honey's blog.. there is his latest poem..and some of y'all wonder why I am such a happy woman... Ok.. I'm out..

Y'all have fun

From Kyle To Mom and Other News.

This is an addition to yesterday's post.. it is the letter written by Ron and edited by Kyle..

To Mom

As we grow, we realize that some things cannot stay the same forever.As much as we enjoy the small things that make our relationship wonderful, they cannot last. We know, however, the flowerings that cause the little things, will not change. I know we will not always be able to sit on the bed laughing at yesterdays. We will not always be there to share the personals glimpses of life gone by. Someday, the reins of my life will pass into my own hands, and, while I will ever value your guidance, the decisions will become mine to make.
The invaluable parts of who we are will never change. I will always depend on your eager willingness to be a part of my life. I will rest continuously in the warmth of your love. This core will remain even though the trappings change. Our laughs will grow deeper. Our tears will burrow further into our hearts. Our love will continue to develop.
For now, we will still giggle uncontrollably at the goofiness of the ridiculous. We will talk about the deep mysteries and suddenly be talking about the bizarre. I will be the kid too big for my britches, and you will be the Mom that keeps me straight. I look forward to growing up and becoming the best man I can become. I look forward to becoming independent and making my way in life. I will never look forward to the part of growing up, that changes our everyday joys. Only the very real truth that the foundation will grow stronger allows me to take each step toward my future.

Only knowing that you will always be a part of my life, keeps me reaching.

I will always be your son. You will always be my Mom.

Kyle


In other around here news.. The Lincoln we got for Chris is no more.. Yesterday on the way from Chris' job to his house we had a slight detour in our trip.. into a telephone pole, a tree, a couple of stumps and a fence.. yep Christ totaled the Lincoln on it's maiden voyage from Winchester to Nicholasville.. We are all basically ok.. sore.. in pain.. but ok.. Chris felt bad about the car and having the accident but I assured him it is ok.. the only thing that matters is that we are all ok.. Cars can be replaced.. My kids can't.. poor guy.. he was so proud of having his first car and finally being able to look forward to some independence from having to rely on everyone to get him from point a to point b.. and everywhere in between.. I told him it will happen.. it will just take a little longer now.. I did tell him he buys the next car though.. anyway.. Ron has prescribed rest for me today.. and I think I will follow Doctor's orders on that one.. thank goodness the kids have the day off from school today and I don't have to worry about going out to get them or anything like that.. not that they felt like going today anyway.. ok.. enough of this... I am outta here..

Y'all have fun..

Mother's Day/ Everyday

I had a wonderful Mother's Day.. I didn't get out of bed til about 10:30.. and I only got up then at the insistance of my bladder.. That in itself was a great start to Mom's Day.. getting to sleep in is always a good thing.. I am an insomniac.. so any sleep is a good thing.. anyway.. I got up found the note Chelsea left for me taped to the bedroom door along with a banner, took the dogs out and settled in on the couch.. Kyle got up shortly after I did and started waiting on me hand and foot, getting me coffee, getting me this or that.. and giving me a beautiful letter.. written by Ron.. edited and approved by Kyle.. Kyle has the words on his own.. he just doesn't know how to put them together the way he would like to.. it made me cry..

Chelsea finally got up and we were off to the grocery store.. after shopping we went to Ron's parents house to wish his mom a happy day.. I love Ron's mom.. I have come to think of her as mom too.. she raised 6 kids.. I respect her for doing such an awesome job with them.. they are all good people and they all still love and admire their parents.. that is something you don't see in our world that often anymore.. Ron's dad is wonderful too.. you can see the love they still have for each other in their eyes and in the way they interact with each other.. it is just a wonderful thing to be witness too and I am honored to be included in their family..

We came home and the kids and Ron put the groceries away.. I got fussed at for trying to help.. I was having a bad wrist day.. and they shewed me out of the kitchen.. we sat around for a while, just enjoying each others company.. Sierra stopped by.. she wasn't feeling well and needed to call work to tell them she was still coming in but would be late.. she went to work and they sent her home.. Jordan dropped her off here again and went on to work himself..My brother Calvert called me to wish me a happy day.. he has called me every year on Mother's Day since I became a mom at 17 to wish me a happy day.. Sweet huh?.. anywho.. we talked for a while.. it is always good to hear from him.. since we don't get to see each other much.. he lives in AZ.. that is a bit of a drive from here.... While on the phone with him Ron,the kids and I headed over to visit mom.. It was a good visit.. she knew who we all were.. she didn't know our names.. but she knew who we were.. she remembered Ron and had a ball sitting and talking with us.. the girls and I are planning on taking her shopping tomorrow since there is no school and I will need the assistance with mom... should be a good time.. We left Northpoint and Ron headed towards home.. on the way he turned into the Home Depot parking lot.. the kids were confused.. I wasn't.. there is a Perkins restaurant in the same plaza.. that was Ron's true destination.. I knew it when he turned in the place.. the kids took a bit longer to catch on.. we had a great dinner and an even better time.. I would have liked to spent some time with Chris on Mother's Day but I do still get to see him every day.. that is a good thing.. After dinner we came home where I pretty much chilled for the rest of the night.. just enjoying the company of my kids and my honey.. all in all it was a great day..

I get tickled at all the jewelry commercials for Mom's Day.. and the flower commercials.. most of the moms I know would love jewelry or flowers sure.. but what means the most to a mom is time with our kids.. seeing them smile.. knowing they are growing into good people.. feeling we have done something well in raising them.. there are no diamonds, no roses, no perfume that can possibly rival the simple " I love you Mom" from your child.. just my take on it.. I hope every Mom out there, and the Dads that are being both mom and dad had just as wonderful a Mother's Day as I did..

Y'all have fun.

A Season Of Change

I have been talking to my friends and reading blogs of online friends lately and there seems to be a recurring theme among them.. It seems that it is a season of change.. My best friend is looking forward to getting married in July, another friend is moving out of her house and on with her life .. I have always adapted well to change.. I think it is partially because when I was a kid we didn't stay in one place for very long.. I went to 16 different schools before 8th grade.. No I wasn't a military brat.. My dad drank a lot and we lost a lot of houses because even working 2 and 3 jobs my mom couldn't afford to keep them.. anyway.. All of the talk of changes got me to thinking about some of the changes in my own life in the last 4 years..

I have changed so much about my life that sometimes I have to slow down and take a look at myself in the mirror to make sure it is really me.. I left an 18 yr marriage that I had known for a long time was killing me, I met my sweet wonderful Ron, I have lost 170+ lbs, I became a better mother in spite of the 3 months I went through trying to find out who I was and was not a good mom at the time, and recently I have come to terms with my family.. there have been several other smaller changes in my life that have shaped the last 4 years but, there is no way I can remember most of them I am sure however that they along with the larger things have helped to make me who I am right now.. I like me.. That took a long time.. that is something I still need to work on.. I know I will keep changing.. Life around me will keep changing and shifting directions and I know that all of these things will assist me in being the person I want to be..

I can't wait for the next set of changes.. buying a house.. Moving out of here.. Chella getting into high school.. maybe finally having a job ( thanks Denise).. Think I will just strap on my seatbelt and enjoy the ride.. Y'all have fun

Monday Again

I don't like Mondays .. I don't know anyone that does.. well except maybe my honey.. but then again he likes just about everything...nothing gets that man down.. Gotta love that ya know.. anyway.. the weekend was great.. I didn't have to pick Chris up on Saturday.. that was a good thing. I got 2 hrs of laying in bed cuddling with Ron time instead of drive time. Then we went to Todd's to do the karaoke thing.. Red and Steve were there.. along with a host of other good friends.. not that I don't want to mention them by name but for me it was all about Red and Steve. We haven't seen them in forever.. I miss them both so much.. They were friends with Ron before he and I met.. Red and I just hit it off the first time we met and I have felt I found a long lost sister in her for a long time.. I don't know Steve as well but he is a great guy and makes my friend happy .. that goes a long way towards getting my respect and friendship.. There was singing.. contests.. remembering of old times.. catching up on new things.. oh yeah and the Steve test driving my Camaro.. he liked the way it handles.. you know I gotta like the guy if I give him the keys to my car and tell them to have fun with it.. We all had a really good time..

Ron and I didn't get home til 1:40 in the morning .. when we arrived there was a pissed off Chella on the porch.. hands on hips asking "where have y'all been" I felt 15 again and mom was fixing to ground me.. Chella banished us to our room for the rest of the night.. Kiddo.. you are gonna have to get much better at this grounding thing before you have kids.. Our bed is where we wanted to be.. Sunday was a slow, not feeling good day.. I think I have caught a bit of a cold over the weekend.. I sniffled and ached my way through the day..

I took Chris to work and then upon returning home Ron and I went to the grocery store for dog/cat food along with a few other necessary items.. then it was back to the house for a really sweet treat from Ron.. he made me a milkshake from sugar free ice cream and low fat milk.. I love milkshakes.. I just can't have them most of the time due to sugar content.. I don't digest sugar since my gastric.. the shake was great but him thinking of a way for me to have one and then making it for me was even sweeter.. We crawled into bed around 7pm and that is where I stayed mostly until 6:20 this morning. I feel less stuffy this morning but I still have the headache and I am PMSing on top of all that so I think this will be a more lazy day for me than usual.. I am intermittingly cleaning and resting.. I will get it done, just not at my usual warp speed..

I still don't like Mondays.. but then again I don't like any day that takes my honey away from me.. time to clean..

Y'all have fun

Happy Cinco De Mayo

It is finally Friday.. this has been the longest week.. I don't know why.. Maybe it is just all the changes in schedules this week or the trips to the hospital.. (My dad had heart surgery yesterday).. or it could be the anticipation of seeing our old friends Retro-girl and her hubby Dark's Life.. yes they have real names..anyway.. they are in town from Chicago and we are planning to get together with them this evening for some serious Karaoke.. Clearing my throat.. not that that will help me sing any better..

The best part of it being Friday is my honey will be home with me for the next 2 days.. It is strange how much I miss him while he is at work.. when I was married to my ex.. there were times I wished for the man to stay at work 24/7.. I have never had that feeling with Ron.. don't think I'm gonna.. Ron treats me like I am precious.. who wouldn't miss that..

Right now I am trying to decide what needs to be done the most around here.. house cleaning or napping.. I didn't fall asleep until 2:47 this morning.. too much on the old gray matter .. and I woke up at 5:03 this morning when Ron got out of bed..I fell back asleep til around 6:42 which had me running late to get the kids , the dog and myself out of the house.. I am not good with rushing.

Lacey.. the annoying lil dachshund loves to ride in the car.. she loves to go with me when I do my morning run .. Malcolm loves to ride too... but 4 people and an 85lb dog in a Camaro doesn't work out well.. So I will take Lacey with me a few times a week..but before you start feeling sorry for poor Malcolm don't worry he gets to go for rides on the weekends in the Bravada... where he can hang his head out the window and attempt to stick his head out of the sun roof.. If he were only 3 inches taller he could do it.. but he never quits trying..

Well I think the napping is winning.. I can barely keep my eyes open and my fingers typing at the same time.. I guess it is a good thing I can sleeptype..

Y'all have fun.. I am headed for the couch..

No Morning Commute

I am having a lazy day.. When I got up this morning it was pouring rain.. I still got the kids moving and out the door at 7am.. on the way.. Ron called me and suggested I call Chris and have him call his boss and find out if in fact they were working today.( sometimes my brain is not working enough to do these things).. I called Chris, who called his boss then called me back to inform me that there would be no working this morning..which meant no morning trip to Winchester.. I had a whole hour to do nothing.. I didn't really know what to do with that much unplanned time.. Chella,Kyle and I stopped at the store down the street where I got a diet dr pepper with cherry and vanilla.. funny thing.. I don't like Dr. Pepper. .never have.. but I love the cherry and vanilla and the berries and cream ones.. yeah I do know I am strange..anyway from there we went to mail a rebate form for Ron.. and then took Kyle to school.. he likes to get there in time to socialize in the cafeteria with the other kids.. that means I usually drop him off between 7:30 and 7:45.. school begins at 8:00.. then there is Chella to drop off.. her school doesn't begin til 8:30 and she cannot be there earlier than 8:00 so .. on normal traveling mornings she rides to Winchester and back with me, this morning we just sorta sat around in the parking lot listening to our favorite morning show on the radio.. 103.3 zrock.. and waiting for it to be time for her to go in..wow didn't I have an exciting morning?

After I deposited the kids in their respective schools I came home with every intention of cleaning house and getting some things done around here.. instead I had some sort of strange allergy attack and then Dude (the 15lb cat) decided he just had to get in my lap for petting.. this did nothing to improve the allergy situation considering I am allergic to cats.. I swear cats know when people are allergic to them.. they can sense it.. and will make it their life's ambition to cuddle up to that person.. anyway... when I finally convinced him that the wheezing and sneezing was killing me and that if I dropped dead there would be no more petting he got down.. I promptly fell asleep on the couch for an hour.. I woke up feeling a bit better.. I still can't get my eyes or nose to stop itching.. but at least I can breathe now.. I have done a whole lot of nothing today.. I made the bed and did a load of laundry.. see.. when I have too much free time I don't know what to do with it so I generally do nothing.. ok.. that is my story and I am sticking to it.. my ADHD shuts down when I have nothing to do.. sounds plausible doesn't it?

I do have a few things to do this afternoon... I have kids to pick up and today is Chella's second appt with her counselor.. and somewhere in there I have dinner to cook and vaccuuming to do.. but there will be no trip to Winchester or Nicolasville this afternoon which means I will have 2 more hours with my honey.. sometimes the taking Chris back and forth doesn't bother me much.. but lately I feel like I am neglecting my honey .. that is not a good thing.. Chris is looking at a trailer across the street from where he works tomorrow afternoon.. If he and Tommy room together they should be able to afford it... I love seeing my son every day.. but the running and neglecting my hubby part I don't love.. so I do hope this works out for him.. he will be able to get his license and we are gonna help him get a car or truck that way he won't be out in the middle of nowhere with no way to get anywhere.. and he will have a place of his own which I think will do him a world of good in growing up...

I am very proud of Chris as of late.. the kid is doing everything he should be doing and nothing he shouldn't.. over the weekend some of his friends from FL came into town.. they were lost and had no money.. due to the one with the money having his wallet stolen in a motel room.. they wanted to hang with Chris and borrow enough money to get to one of the boy's grandmother's house in IN.. They followed me out to pick Chris up from work Saturday.. Chris was glad to see his friend.. gave him a guy hug and 20 bucks and politely told them he wouldn't be hanging with them because he needed to get home and rest for work the next day.. the old Chris would have hung with his friends and most likely gotten into some sort of trouble with them.. he is growing up.. that is a good thing and I am proud of his choices.. I let him know.. he turned a little redfaced as he has always done and said "thanks Mom" what more could a mom ask for.. he never fails to tell me thank you for the running him back and forth.. he never fails to let me know he appreciates the things I do for him.. what he doesn't understand.. is even though the thanks and appreciation from him are precious to me.. I do the things I do simply because he is my child.. and I love him..

Well I think I have stalled on the house cleaning long enough.. I get to spend that extra 2 hours with my honey tonight.. I would rather do that in a clean house...

Oh Russ.. thank you for calling and checking on ya girl.. she said she loves ya..

Y'all have fun..

The Pain Is Silent

For those of you that read Ron's blog , you know what happened to Chelsea on Sunday. To make a long painful story short she was attacked and bitten by a boy on our front porch.. before he bit her he told her he would kill Kyle and rape her.. so I tend to look at the attack as not only assault but a sex crime as well.. she wasn't raped.. but she was violated just the same..


We have taken the proper steps to first have this boy arrested and punished for what he did.. and secondly to help Chelsea work through any emotional issues that may arise from this.. She is showing the same type of emotional responses that a rape survivor shows ( I hate the word victim).. she no longer feels safe sitting on the porch alone.. When she and I go to the store she will not leave my side.. she doesn't want to walk home from school anymore.. Not that I ever let her walk home alone .. just now she doesn't even feel comfortable walking with her friends and her boyfriend.. she is showering more and feels "dirty".. those are normal parts of the emotional responses to any violation.. given my history with this subject I knew I could not be objective in helping her.. so I sought outside assistance for her.. she told me yesterday after her first visit that it made her feel better to talk to someone not so close to the issues at hand.. that is a good thing.. she also got a 911 cell phone.. the only # it will call is 911 and anytime she feels she is in an unsafe situation and needs assistance she only has to push one button to get help.. that is a good thing as well..

I have a personal history with this subject that I will not go into here.. I learned to handle it on my own and have made peace with it.. it took me a long time to get here.. I don't want Chelsea to have to go it alone.. no one should have to deal with an issue of any type of personal violation on their own..

Part of me wants to find the kid that did this to my precious child and beat the living shit out of him.. I know that is a normal reaction when a mother's child is hurt.. I won't do that.. I will let the police handle it.. I will not however sit back and wait for them to do it.. I am gonna be like a thorn in the side of the police until something is done about this kid..

I wrote a poem about a year and a half ago about my personal experiences , about how sometimes even to this day 30 years later I still have my moments of pain.. I have shared it here before, so if you will allow me the indulgence I would like to share it again.. for my daughter's pain, for my pain and for anyone that has been there..

The Pain Is Silent

The pain is silent
Screaming only on the inside
Smile brightly outward for the world to see
Never reveal what lies beneath

Tortured waiting, for it will come
In the dead of night
Peace laid to waste by hurt’s wail
Trembling from a frozen touch

The bringer of the torment is dry bones in his grave
Still he lives on in the memory of the child that once was
Reality fades but his face looms large
Shrinking into the smallest space to try to find comfort

Icy fingers invading even love’s warmest embrace
Memories crashing against even the sincerest touch
Cringing inside the child screams not again
The me of now buries the pain just to survive

Suffer silently
To give voice would to lend strength to the demon
To surrender all hope of happiness
Quieter strength is the stronger,
bearing a load that no loud wail of agony could carry

The sound of innocence shattered is deafeningly still..
Tammy J.

November 17, 2004



The only thing I am grateful for in Chelsea's situation is she doesn't have to be silent in her pain..

I usually end my post with Y'all have fun.. I just don't have a fun bone in me right now.. so I will just say .. Take care

What a Week Already.

I didn't make it to the gym yesterday.. but I still got a workout.. Ron's parents own a few houses around here and Ron sorta manages them for them.. I try to help out where I can.. Yesterday was one of those where I can days.. They had a tenant move out and well lets just say this wasn't the cleanest or neatest person on the planet.. I volunteered to help clean out the house and get it ready to re rent.. OMG.. I have never seen such a mess.. I didn't know it was possible to mistake an attic for the garbage can.. I do believe these people are now walking around naked cause they didn't take any of their clothes with them.. Mom and I worked our butts off.. we bagged , swept, carried and fussed for almost 5 hrs .. we got it mostly cleaned out.. all that was left was the heavy furniture stuff we couldn't lift.. I left there a bit after 1 and headed home for a much needed shower.. I decided on a bath instead.. ewwwww the water was a lovely shade of grey about 30 seconds into it.. I bathed then showered afterwards.. yuck..

After my shower I tried to rest my back a bit... I knew that Justin is out of school by 2:30 so I waited til he got home and called him to ask if he would help with the heavy stuff.. he was happy to oblige.. I have to give the boy credit.. he is one of the hardest working skinny little kids I have ever seen in my life.. anyway.. Tommy, Justin and I headed back to the house.. they got the heavy stuff out of the house.. while they were working I went to pick up Chella.. and grab some tools from the house.. they guys got it finished in a couple hours.. then it was time to come home and cook supper.. I put supper in the wok and made Ron's lunch and went to get Kyle from his chess class.. by that time Chris had called for a ride home and Ron was on his way home .. sweet man that he is offered to pick Chris up on his way home from work.. we met at Kroger to exchange son's .. he took Kyle I took Chris and off to Nicholasville we went.. I finally dropped Chris off and got home around 7:15pm.. by this time my back felt like there was some evil gnome in there with a hot poker trying to reaarange my spine.. I curled up on the couch with a book and the heating pad.. and that is where I stayed most of the evening..

This morning I am still hurting a bit.. so my sweet darling hubby offered to meet Chris at his pick up spot and take him to work for me.. saving me and my back 40 minutes of driving/riding time.. he is such a sweety.. Oh speaking of my sweety.. he finished his internship yesterday.. and aside from being so proud of him and a healthy dose of I told you so's it means he doesn't have to stay late anymore..well not til 6 anyway.. yay!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyway.. after he left I got to sit here for an additional 45 mins with the heat on my back.. I reluctantly got up and took the kids to school at 7:45 and came home to do my housework.. If I don't keep moving some my back is gonna seize up on me and I won't be able to move at all .. not fun..

The rest of my day is going to be fairly uneventful I hope.. I need to go to the nursing home and visit mom.. but that is usually a good time.. and I still have to pick up kids, do more laundry, clean a bit more, and do the afternoon Chris run.. but those are all part of the ordinary around here.. time to get off here and do something.. I have been sitting too long and the gnome is pissed..

Y'all have fun