The Pain Is Silent

For those of you that read Ron's blog , you know what happened to Chelsea on Sunday. To make a long painful story short she was attacked and bitten by a boy on our front porch.. before he bit her he told her he would kill Kyle and rape her.. so I tend to look at the attack as not only assault but a sex crime as well.. she wasn't raped.. but she was violated just the same..


We have taken the proper steps to first have this boy arrested and punished for what he did.. and secondly to help Chelsea work through any emotional issues that may arise from this.. She is showing the same type of emotional responses that a rape survivor shows ( I hate the word victim).. she no longer feels safe sitting on the porch alone.. When she and I go to the store she will not leave my side.. she doesn't want to walk home from school anymore.. Not that I ever let her walk home alone .. just now she doesn't even feel comfortable walking with her friends and her boyfriend.. she is showering more and feels "dirty".. those are normal parts of the emotional responses to any violation.. given my history with this subject I knew I could not be objective in helping her.. so I sought outside assistance for her.. she told me yesterday after her first visit that it made her feel better to talk to someone not so close to the issues at hand.. that is a good thing.. she also got a 911 cell phone.. the only # it will call is 911 and anytime she feels she is in an unsafe situation and needs assistance she only has to push one button to get help.. that is a good thing as well..

I have a personal history with this subject that I will not go into here.. I learned to handle it on my own and have made peace with it.. it took me a long time to get here.. I don't want Chelsea to have to go it alone.. no one should have to deal with an issue of any type of personal violation on their own..

Part of me wants to find the kid that did this to my precious child and beat the living shit out of him.. I know that is a normal reaction when a mother's child is hurt.. I won't do that.. I will let the police handle it.. I will not however sit back and wait for them to do it.. I am gonna be like a thorn in the side of the police until something is done about this kid..

I wrote a poem about a year and a half ago about my personal experiences , about how sometimes even to this day 30 years later I still have my moments of pain.. I have shared it here before, so if you will allow me the indulgence I would like to share it again.. for my daughter's pain, for my pain and for anyone that has been there..

The Pain Is Silent

The pain is silent
Screaming only on the inside
Smile brightly outward for the world to see
Never reveal what lies beneath

Tortured waiting, for it will come
In the dead of night
Peace laid to waste by hurt’s wail
Trembling from a frozen touch

The bringer of the torment is dry bones in his grave
Still he lives on in the memory of the child that once was
Reality fades but his face looms large
Shrinking into the smallest space to try to find comfort

Icy fingers invading even love’s warmest embrace
Memories crashing against even the sincerest touch
Cringing inside the child screams not again
The me of now buries the pain just to survive

Suffer silently
To give voice would to lend strength to the demon
To surrender all hope of happiness
Quieter strength is the stronger,
bearing a load that no loud wail of agony could carry

The sound of innocence shattered is deafeningly still..
Tammy J.

November 17, 2004



The only thing I am grateful for in Chelsea's situation is she doesn't have to be silent in her pain..

I usually end my post with Y'all have fun.. I just don't have a fun bone in me right now.. so I will just say .. Take care

What a Week Already.

I didn't make it to the gym yesterday.. but I still got a workout.. Ron's parents own a few houses around here and Ron sorta manages them for them.. I try to help out where I can.. Yesterday was one of those where I can days.. They had a tenant move out and well lets just say this wasn't the cleanest or neatest person on the planet.. I volunteered to help clean out the house and get it ready to re rent.. OMG.. I have never seen such a mess.. I didn't know it was possible to mistake an attic for the garbage can.. I do believe these people are now walking around naked cause they didn't take any of their clothes with them.. Mom and I worked our butts off.. we bagged , swept, carried and fussed for almost 5 hrs .. we got it mostly cleaned out.. all that was left was the heavy furniture stuff we couldn't lift.. I left there a bit after 1 and headed home for a much needed shower.. I decided on a bath instead.. ewwwww the water was a lovely shade of grey about 30 seconds into it.. I bathed then showered afterwards.. yuck..

After my shower I tried to rest my back a bit... I knew that Justin is out of school by 2:30 so I waited til he got home and called him to ask if he would help with the heavy stuff.. he was happy to oblige.. I have to give the boy credit.. he is one of the hardest working skinny little kids I have ever seen in my life.. anyway.. Tommy, Justin and I headed back to the house.. they got the heavy stuff out of the house.. while they were working I went to pick up Chella.. and grab some tools from the house.. they guys got it finished in a couple hours.. then it was time to come home and cook supper.. I put supper in the wok and made Ron's lunch and went to get Kyle from his chess class.. by that time Chris had called for a ride home and Ron was on his way home .. sweet man that he is offered to pick Chris up on his way home from work.. we met at Kroger to exchange son's .. he took Kyle I took Chris and off to Nicholasville we went.. I finally dropped Chris off and got home around 7:15pm.. by this time my back felt like there was some evil gnome in there with a hot poker trying to reaarange my spine.. I curled up on the couch with a book and the heating pad.. and that is where I stayed most of the evening..

This morning I am still hurting a bit.. so my sweet darling hubby offered to meet Chris at his pick up spot and take him to work for me.. saving me and my back 40 minutes of driving/riding time.. he is such a sweety.. Oh speaking of my sweety.. he finished his internship yesterday.. and aside from being so proud of him and a healthy dose of I told you so's it means he doesn't have to stay late anymore..well not til 6 anyway.. yay!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyway.. after he left I got to sit here for an additional 45 mins with the heat on my back.. I reluctantly got up and took the kids to school at 7:45 and came home to do my housework.. If I don't keep moving some my back is gonna seize up on me and I won't be able to move at all .. not fun..

The rest of my day is going to be fairly uneventful I hope.. I need to go to the nursing home and visit mom.. but that is usually a good time.. and I still have to pick up kids, do more laundry, clean a bit more, and do the afternoon Chris run.. but those are all part of the ordinary around here.. time to get off here and do something.. I have been sitting too long and the gnome is pissed..

Y'all have fun

I May Hate Myself In the Morning..

Ouch.. I have been wanting to get back into the gym for a long while now.. I have been wanting to get my body in some shape other than the shape it is in.. Today must be the beginning of that..Ron and I started about 2:30 this morning with our own private workout.. ( Russ update).. and knowing I was going with our friend Brandy to the local Y today.. I foolishly thought ok.. a little less sleep ain't gonna hurt me.. ( It was worth it at any rate)..

Brandy called me about 9 : 45 this morning wondering if I were still going or if I had chickened out on her.. I said in my most cheerful voice.. " I'm ready".. Her hubby had her car this morning so I drove over to pick her and her darling little girl up.. and as Brandy was admiring the "Ro" we were off .. we got there, I signed in as a guest.. and next thing I know I am walking 3 mph on an incline of 2 on a treadmill for 20 mins.. that part was ok.. that I can do.. I love to walk anyway.. so ok.. no problem.. then came the weights.. now you have to understand .. I used to work out 3 times a week.. but that was 20 yrs ago.. I ain't young anymore.. I ain't strong anymore.. so Brandy puts me on non wrist taxing machines and helps me adjust the weights and I promptly try to kill myself I think.. I don't remember being this weak.. 20 reps damn near killed me with 12.5lbs.. and that was on the leg lifts.. we don't want to go there with the rest of the machines.. those aren't for excersise.. those things were made for mid-evil torture.. I did make it through it.. I managed to do 2 sets of 20 reps on all the machines I could do without hurting my wrist.. and surprisingly I even managed to find some to work the upper body as well..

I feel pretty good.. I can feel my muscles planning a revolt for later on this evening.. and I know my back is gonna be in a pissy mood.. but I actually feel pretty good.. I am even thinking bout going back with her on Monday.. OMG.. I have truly lost my mind this time.. oh well.. at least it gets me out of my routine and I am doing something for me.. even if it does wind up killing me.. just kidding.. I know when I get used to going again I will feel and look better.. and that is something I need to do for me.. I am so used to doing everything for everyone that I think this will be good for me to do for me.. I don't want to lose weight.. I weigh right about 155 or so.. usually.. and at 5'8 that is a good weight .. I just want to tone my body from where I have already lost so much weight and get into better shape .. I think starting with 2 days a week I should be able to do it.. wish me luck..

TGIF.. I get my sweet Ron home for 2 days.. Yeah I know I had him home for 4 days last weekend.. but that was last weekend.. I miss him.. this is a whole new weekend.. and Ill take the 2 days when I can get em.. well think It is time for me to go.. umm .. lemme think.. oh yeah.. lay down and die till the tylenol kicks in..

Y'all have fun

Still Running

I know I have been negligent in my posting lately.. I just don't seem to have time to blog.. between running back and forth with Chris, dealing with the Chelsea drama.. (too much to go into right now) , and all the other things I have to do in a day.. by the end of most days I am ready to cuddle in the bed and go to sleep by around 8pm.. now Kyle has gotten into the mix of changing up my schedule.. he has 2 different afterschool activities he is involved with now and stays late 3 days a week.. you would think that would free up some time for me around his usual pick up time, it doesn't.. Because my life is so hectic I have to be very precise when scheduling things.. I have to know how long it will take me to do this or that and get back to where I need to be when I need to be there.. Kyle staying late 3 days a week is messing with that.. but I am sure I will adjust soon.. he has only been doing this for 2 weeks and last week was spring break so I had all sorts of time to fill.. That is my main problem.. I am so accustomed to running all the time and having almost every moment filled with things to do, when I don't have things to do or have too much free time I get antsy.. I don't know what to do with myself..

Today will be fun.. I get to go visit Ron's class as a business professional. Ron is having a community business leader in to talk with his class about what the real world expects of them.. I have a degree in business administration as does his principal.. he thought it would be a good chance for the students to take part in a round table type discussion of what employers look for in potential employees and some interviewing techniques for them as some of them are going to be graduating this year and will need some real skills for getting a job soon.. Oh yeah and there will be pizza.. I think the kids will pay more attention to that than me .. but hey they are teenagers and this is only the second day back after spring break..

I think I am gonna get off here and go clean something.. and then maybe take a short nap before I have to leave for Winchester..

Y'all have fun..

I Am Still Alive.. Sorta

I haven't forgotten I have a blog.. I haven't forgotten that some of my best friends actually read this thing.. I am just not quite human enough to write intelligently right now.. the trip kicked my ass.. In more ways than one.. the physical part of it is what is mostly bothering me now.. I forget sometimes that I only feel like I am in my 20's still... in fact my body knows I am getting close to the 40 mark even if my mind doesn't.. my recovery time isn't what it used to be.. My entire body is hurting right now and I seem to have lost all use of the index finger on my right hand.. makes typing interesting to say the least.. anyway.. just wanted to let anyone that is interested know I am still alive and will hopefully be back to myself in a few days..

Oh one major thing that I can't leave out of this .. I know some folks probably get tired of hearing about how wonderful Ron is.. but for y'all .. get over it.. for the ones that ain't tired of it... he is the main reason I made it back at all.. I had a panic attack ( actually two of them) for the first time in about 5 yrs.. and he was able to do something that no one has ever been able to do.. he talked me through them and gave me back my confidence in me and convinced me to take care of me so that I could take care of the kids I had with me on that winding mountain road.. so again my love.. thank you.. your voice in the night was my lifeline.. as your voice is always my comfort..

Y'all have fun